IELTS Writing Task 2: 'equality' topic

Here's my full (band 9) essay for last week's question.

In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits.
What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success?

In my opinion, an egalitarian society is one in which everyone has the same rights and the same opportunities. I completely agree that people can achieve more in this kind of society.

Education is an important factor with regard to personal success in life. I believe that all children should have access to free schooling, and higher education should be either free or affordable for all those who chose to pursue a university degree. In a society without free schooling or affordable higher education, only children and young adults from wealthier families would have access to the best learning opportunities, and they would therefore be better prepared for the job market. This kind of inequality would ensure the success of some but harm the prospects of others.

I would argue that equal rights and opportunities are not in conflict with people’s freedom to succeed or fail. In other words, equality does not mean that people lose their motivation to succeed, or that they are not allowed to fail. On the contrary, I believe that most people would feel more motivated to work hard and reach their potential if they thought that they lived in a fair society. Those who did not make the same effort would know that they had wasted their opportunity. Inequality, on the other hand, would be more likely to demotivate people because they would know that the odds of success were stacked in favour of those from privileged backgrounds.

In conclusion, it seems to me that there is a positive relationship between equality and personal success.

(260 words)

Note:
I'm not sure that this was a 'real' IELTS question (maybe the student who sent it to me remembered it wrongly) because it is a bit confusing: it seems strange to me to imply that "egalitarian/equality" is the opposite of "free to succeed or fail". Anyway, I hope you still find the essay useful.

Comments

[amran]

hey simon,thanx for your help,this is realy a difficult topic,,my test is on saturday 5th of november,,i have followed ur website for writing,reading and speaking,i truly admire you,i have revised ur previous lessons as well,also i managed to write some 40 essay with the help of ur website,but i am not very confident,although i scored 8.5 in listening,7.5 in reading,7 in speaking and 6 in writing and over all 7.5 band in my previous attempt,but i wanted 7 in each category,this time i have put my maximum strenth,also i have prActised essay from ur ebook,,wat else i need to do,is there any last minute advice for me,thanx

[Aigul]

Hello,Simon.I have a question about my project about abortion.How do you think how should i write the introduction of the essay .my thesis is legalization of abortion should be permissible only in two cases such as for the sake of mother's life and baby from suffering.

[Moka]

Thanks a lot Simon for the snook,It looks great!sorry I didn't know where is the best pla ce to post this?

[Moka]

*ebook

[Ahmad]

Dear Simon,
Taking this opportunity, i would like to thank to you and greatly appreciate your contribution to teaching us and mounting our knowledge regarding IELTS. I really found your website and work extremely useful. Any time I brows it I leant a lesson that directly impacted my level. I cordially value your recent work and guidance in regards to writing and speaking which no one can find that somewhere else. I REALIZED YOU REALLY WANT EVERYONE PASSES IELTS.

[amran]

hi simon,
i just realised that i am bit weak in writing task 1,i want to ask you that in my real exam can i write essay before the task 1 or do i need to write task 1 first and then task 2?will this affect my band?
thanks

[amran]

also for speaking topic of favorite website, can i describe your website or it will offend the examiner,sorry but i am really confused.

[Moka]

"Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up."
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Could you pleassssse help me?I have seen different model answers with diff approaches,
Could you pls advice me considering planning ,
Introd paraphrase
The value of fathers ,effect of their absence
My opinion about WOMEN WHO TAKE THE DECISION TO BE PREGNANT. Without sharing her partner .i.e he may not be ready for children yet

Please advise me could I approach it his way if not WHY"
I am not really sure whether I understood the question or not? Cheers

[HASSAN]

Hi amran
I think you should only concentrate on the writing test. try to write W task 1 in less than 20 minutes and W task 2 in about 30-35 minutes. My advice to you is to practice more about word spelling and pay attention to dots an commas.
could you please post the questions after setting the exam. I have my exam on the 19th of November

[Gwapo]

Simon,is there any other teacher like you who corrects essay, but the way he approaches the questions are like yours?I find your essay truly simple and easy to understood compared to others.

[cheema]

Hi simon this is cheema i want infomation regaring reading beacause i got 4.5 in reading and i,m prity bad in that module.plz suggest me some tips for that.

[Gwapo]

Simon,is there any other teacher like you who corrects essay, but the way he approaches the questions are like yours?I find your essay truly simple and easy to understand compared to others

[Moka]

Hassan how do u write task 1 in less than 20 min please share ur strategy?thx a lot

[Simon]

Hi Amran,

No last minute advice - you've done all the right things. Just revise what you've done, and get a good sleep the night before the test! Good luck.

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Hi Aigul,

I'm afraid I can't help with that - I just focus on IELTS here. My advice is to speak to your teacher about what he/she expects in the project.

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Thanks Moka! I'm glad you like it.

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Hi Ahmad,

Thanks for your positive comments! Yes, I really do hope you all pass!

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Hi Amran,

You can write task 2 first if you want. Just stick to the recommended times - 40 minutes task 2 and 20 minutes task 1.

You can describe this website if you want - it won't offend the examiner. Personally, I would choose something unrelated to IELTS e.g. Facebook, eBay or Wikipedia.

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Hi Moka,

Your ideas are good. Just make sure your opinion is clear in the introduction - you agree with the statement.

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Hi Gwapo,

I know some teachers here in Manchester (ex-colleagues) who approach essay writing in the same way as me. If you'd like me to put you in touch with one of them (for essay correction), just email me: [email protected]

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Hi Cheema,

There are some tips on the page linked below. However, the main thing for reading is to do lots of practice.

http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2010/12/ielts-reading-advice.html

[HASSAN]

Hi Moka
My idea was like that, if someone wants to score highon writing section he should be able to write the two tasks in the time limit mentioned before. It would be good if you try to write them in conditions similar to those during the exam, nervous environment and stress. Otherwise you could score less than the desired marks.

[amran]

thanx simon ,
this is exactly wat i am doing,i am revising my notes on speaking topics also m trying to memorize my essay and ur ebook topics,also i ,ll have a look at my vocabulary list a day before exam,i hope every thing goes well.

[hardik]

hi simon the following topic has proved difficult for me to answer in a recent ielts exam.i previously received 7 bands in writing but this time i scored 5.5 bands. i have no idea what happend but i would like to submit an answer and if u could correct it or suggest me what is wrong then it can prove to be a clear idea what i should be doing.

. Many people believe that advertising directed by the junk food and toy companies have an adverse effect on young children and their families .Do you agree or dis agree with the statement?Give appropriate reasons for your claimes and individual examples where necessary.

In general, advertisements play vital role in the publicity of various products such as junk food and toys. Myriads of advertisements are advertised with the aim of attracting certain age groups on the basis of its particular purpose. While many people believe these advertisements have negative effects on young children and their families, this essay will argue whether it is true.

Firstly, advertisements are formulated with a principle to gain certain profit in a business. Companies involved in advertisements of junk food target young young children and their families , since it is very well known that children are eager to buy something related to toys. Therefore, young children are likely to be affected by the negative consequences of junk food after consumption. For example, advertisements advertised by burger giant McDonalds promotes toys for children to be handed out free with the product purchased for the kids. Thus as children are unaware of the bad health effects of these food, they are more likely to have it. Further, it becomes a habit.
Secondly, certain families are in search of food that is served quick. Usually, junk food is served in family packs with burgers and chips. To keep the cost low, certain families prefer fast junk food. In addition, advertisements publishing new promotion time to time prove to be a catalyst in increasing temptation of these families.

However, not all the toy companies are promoting toys that are effecting young brains. Some companies direct advertisements of the toys that can actually accelerate creativity among children. For example, a famous company such as Nintendo have invented toys that has helped many children to learn numbers at an early age.
To sum up, advertisements will be formed in hundreds according to its purpose regardless of their effects. I totally agree with those who believe that advertisements by junk food and toy companies can affect children and their families. It is upto the parents to educate their children and follow that is beneficial for their own families.

thanks in advance :)

[hardik]

hi simone good news !! i just found an article that deals with advertisement issues.Also, these website has any articles focused on social issues. i believe u can suggest this site to any of your students who are going to attempt general training .you will be pleased :)

http://www.globalissues.org/article/237/children-as-consumers

[gwapo]

Simon, is there any chance that you can come here in Canada and teach IELTS for a short period of time?

[Simon]

Ok Amran. Good luck!

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Hi Hardik,

Thanks for the useful link to the global issues site. I'll see if I can use it in future.

I'm afraid I don't offer essay correction or feedback - if I did this, everyone would send me their essays. However, you seem to have the right idea, and your level of English seems good to me.

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Hi Gwapo,

I'd love to visit Canada! Unfortunately I won't be able to go this year, but maybe in the future.

[divya]

Hi Simon,
I have been following your site since the past few days as i will be taking IELTS in near future. I am stuck up with a doubt that if we can start an introduction para with sentences like "In today's world",When it come's to","As it is known" etc.

[amran]

thanx simon

[Amir]

Dear simon,
I took the exam by 20 Oct and I received my score , I got 5.5 in writing skill and I'm confused why the examiner marked me 5.5 !!!!
I expected at least 7 for writing , I observed all the rules, used significant vocab and grammar, and the coherence was nice...
I don't know what to write for the next exam, which is 17 Dec, because I believe that I can't progress anymore,
what is your advices for me ?
what should I do ?
Thanks a lot

[Nicole]

hi, Simon, a IELTS writing teacher mentioned that mark of most students in my country is deducted because we included irrelavant reasoning or ideas in our essay.However, i still find confused and not truly understand this.
e.g. The vegetables travels thousands of miles from farm to consumers. Some people think that it would be better to our environment and economy if people only ate local produced foods. To what extent do the disadvantages outweigh the advantages?

If we list increased food choices for people as the advantage and decreased freshness and taste as the disadvantage, would there be a problem cuz they are not economic or environmental ?

[Nicole]

Another similar example is :
Many schools demand that the students should wear uniform. Some people think that such a practice undermines students' personality and individuality. What do you think?

From a model essay in a book, I saw one of the argument in the essay is " uniform save time for students, and prevent vicious competition about who has the best clothing"
However, I find this has little to do with personality and individuality. I am quite confused....
thank you very much

[Moka]

Dear Simon ,please help me in this task

The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Introduction
Traditional role of mother,more contact time,less peer time contrasted against less ttime,less supervision more peer pressure....
Paragraph3
I like many others think......quality rather than quantity time matters,role of dads,parenthood and househusbands are becoming more common,women may be forced to go to work as they are the bread winner.....
Do you think this is a good RELEVANT planing"
Thanks in advance

[Farid]

Hi Simon,

when can we use 3 body paragraph (5 paragraph totally)? Do you suggest it or not?

[Moka]

Dear Simon can I mention my opinion in the last paragraph because even in the agree disagree questions I tend to mention both views,I usually start with one view the end with another which I usually agree to.
Is this ok
Thanks

[Simon]

Hi Divya,

"In today's world" is fine. I wouldn't use the other 2 phrases you mentioned. Have a look through my lessons to see how I begin introductions.

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Hi Amir,

I'm sorry to hear that you didn't get the score you expected. If you're not sure why you got 5.5, I think you need to find a teacher who can check your work and give you some feedback about what you are doing wrong. Try to take some lessons with a private teacher. If you'd like some help from a teacher I know, just email me ([email protected]) and I'll give you his address.

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Hi Nicole,

Yes, I understand your confusion. I think the ideas you mentioned for both topics would be ok. In the first topic it doesn't say that you must ONLY talk about the economy or environment, and in the second question it asks what you think about the general topic of wearing a uniform.

However, your teacher is right that many students do write things that are too far off-topic. Always keep an eye on the question and make sure that what you write is relevant.

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Hi Moka,

Your plan looks fine to me! Just make sure you present a clear opinion in the introduction - don't save your opinion until the end. You can repeat your opinion in the conclusion, but conclusions shouldn't contain new information.

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Hi Farid,

Sometimes I write 5 paragraphs. For an example, click below:

http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2010/08/ielts-writing-task-2-full-essay.html

[divya]

Thank you Simon.....
Can you tell me few other ways of how we should'nt start an essay or any paragraph.

[vasanth]

Hi Simon,Is it a good idea to underline some sentences in an essay?...Thanks...

[Simon]

Hi Divya,

There are many things that you shouldn't do - the list would be too long. My advice is to learn only 2 or 3 ways to begin an essay. Have a look through my lessons to see some of the ways that I use.

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Hi Vasanth,

No, don't underline words in your essays.

[divya]

Thank you Simon

[Paula]

Hi Simon,

When I write my essays I usually put in the first paragraph my supporting ideas and a thesis statement and in conclusion I mention my supporting ideas to reaffirm what I have written. I did not see in this example you gave. May you explain?

Thanks

Paula

[Simon]

Hi Paula,

I put all of my reasons, supporting ideas etc. in the main body paragraphs (these are the key to a high score). In the introduction, I simply address the topic and give a very general answer to the question. In the conclusion I reaffirm my overall answer, but I don't repeat all of the reasons.

Remember that in any essay/assignment/project you do, the main body is the key part. In a typical university assignment of 3000 words (let's say 10 pages), the introduction would be around one page long (10% of the essay). It's the same with IELTS - too many students write introductions and conclusions that are as long or longer than the main body paragraphs. Don't do that! Writing a thesis statement and supporting ideas in the introduction is not "wrong", but I think it's a waste of time - time that could be spent doing great main body paragraphs.

[Paula]

Hi Simon,

Thanks for help me. Your site is the best I

have found. I'm sure you have helped

many students to get a good IELTS score. I

appreciate your effort to answer my

questions so quickly.

Sincerely

Paula

[Simon]

No problem Paula.

[namie =)]

The topic for me is confusing, that I found myself stuck.

Maybe because I dont understand what is being asked..

[Simon]

I agree Namie. Read the 'note' at the bottom of the lesson, and maybe it's best to ignore this topic.

[Esra]

Hi Simon!

I'm trying to read all of the posts on your website,section by section. Thanks a lot for your amazing work,it's definitely helpful!

Regarding this essay,I've a question about the phrase you used : "the odds of success" Does it mean something like 'opportunities for success'? I tried to put on google but couldn't find much about it so it'd be great if you could explain this phrase.

Thanks in advance!

Esra

[Simon]

Hi Esra,

"The odds of" means "the probability of".

[Esra]

Many thanks Simon.

[Harsimranjeet]

hi please tell me
how can i improve sentence formation correctly?

[Ajay]

This is really a difficult topic.I think this type of essay questions is not for IELTS,it might be from GRE.

[Jada]

I agree with you that the question seems confusing，but even in this case you have given us a very helpful demo answer！ Thank you so much，what a great job you have done！！