IELTS Writing Task 2: 'perfect society' paragraph

Last week I made a video lesson to show you how I would do an essay plan. Today I want to show you how I turned part of that plan into a full paragraph.

• Paragraph topic: The most important element of a perfect society.
• Planned ideas: Safety = No crime, trust our neighbours, feel part of a community, able to leave doors unlocked. Trust institutions (police, government), feel protected by the law. Safety is the most basic freedom.

Here's my paragraph using the ideas above:

If I had to choose the one, most desirable element of an ideal society, it would have to be safety. A safe society would be one in which crime did not exist, and in which all citizens trusted their neighbours, felt part of a community, and were even able to leave their doors unlocked without fear. A broader definition of safety could also include belief in the integrity of state institutions, such as governments or police forces, and confidence that we are all protected by fair laws. In this sense, safety could be described as the most basic freedom and the starting point for the creation of a perfect society.

Comments

[ali]

Hi Simon, can you explain the logic in planning your ideas, i.e., what's the relationship between sentences and why you write in this order? Thanks a lot.

[saliha]

I got the results of my academic test today. here are the bands:

Listening: 8.5
Reading: 8.5
Writing: 7
Speaking: 8

I was expecting slightly higher in writing but anyway, I needed a band 7 or above in each of the sections and I got that! Thank you Simon. Your website was truly a great help!

[hiba]

congratulations Saliha.i need 4(7) as well I don't know when I will get it. my exam 15/2 in the uk.

[Zoha]

Hey hiba, In which center are you taking exam ?

[sandy]

Hi Simon
Can you explain why you have written this in past tense, not in future tense?

[orxan]

Sag elin Bashimiza Saliha.... Congrulations....

[ishaq]

tank you for such a good planed idea .
i just needed that.

[hiba]

Aston University

[Dana]

Hi , can you help me ?
I want academic essay about difference and similarities between TV and internet in terms of credibility , access , and content.

[ahmed]

I have problem in reading I can not manege time I do not how can I improve that or what should I do and my fetuer depend on this exam

[Thanh LIeu]

I got the result today.
L:7 ; R : 8 ; W : 6 ; S : 7 ; overall : 7
I learned all your lessons carefully and followed all your advice. Thank you so much.

[maha]

Dear Simon,
In questions asking " what people can do" , like the one about " perfect society" , can we divide our paragraphs as what governments can do and then the second paragraph about what people can do. Or should we just talk about people or public in general ???
I will be very Thankful for your help!

[nali]

hello Simon
I want just 4 marks in IELTS exam....
and I am not good in English language
please help me please...
I do not know what can I do?
please answer me to send e-mail for my e-mail:
[email protected]
so thanks for your help..

[orxan]

Dear Saliha, please say me how you could improve your writing..? In other words, what sources did you benefit from? Please reply if possible...

[Khairia]

congratulation saliha please can you share
your experience in Ielts and how you got this
fantastice score because I need band7 in each
part .Pleace can you tell about your practice
ways.
thanks .

[jung eun park]

writing part is the most difficult for me. I need overall score 7
I found your website luckily. thank you
and I hope to get my score as soon as possible.
I would visit your website everday^^

[jenifer]

hi simon....
my ielts exam will be on 1st february
instantly i need 7 in over all..
but i'm very weak in Listening and Speaking..
how can i improve those parts within a week...
will you please help me.and give me a good suggestion.....
plz plz plz

[Arslan]

First of all, congratulations to Saleha for achieving a very commendable overall score and fingers crossed for those who are going to take their tests.

[Arslan]

Dear Jenifer, if you want to do some practice speaking sessions, then i'll be happy to cooperate you.

My mailing id is: [email protected]

[Mr.Mohebbi]

Dear Simon,
Thank you so much for sharing such a nice paragraph with invaluable ideas and tips.Your paragraph is a 100 percent band 9 score paragraph. I appriciate all your help and support to people. Hope to see you one day in person in Manchester.

[amber]

Simon ,thank you so much for this blog. Though i wasn't such a good and consistent student to follow all of your posts, but in my free time (while working i tried to learn a bit and got L: 8, R: 7, W:6.5 and S:7.5 :)

My Almighty help you to guide the rest.

[hiba]

hi Zoha what about you?

[Juan Manuel]

Hello all,

Could someone explain to me why did he write on using past tense in the following sentence?

A safe society would be one in which crime did not exist, and in which all citizens trusted their neighbours, felt part of a community, and were even able to leave their doors unlocked without fear.

Thanks in advance

[ZOHA]

hey hiba , I had already taken in london last saturday.but i need 4(7).so i want to book another test in feb.so that's why i was just asking.

[ZOHA]

hiba,r u pharmacist ? from which country ?

[saliha]

@hiba, orxan, khairia, arslan: thank you all :)

I'll share what I did. I didnt have much time to prepare for my test, barely 10 days or so. And I didnt buy any practice book either, though I would recommend that you buy it if you have time and go through it all. I attempted many exercises online (please search for ielts academic reading, or writing etc examples and you will get plenty). Typically I did 2-3 exercises of each section everyday. Focus on your writing please, as I didn't and see thats where I scored the lowest.

For listening, all I did was to go through Simon's listening exercises on this website. There are some really good TED videos here. There are a total of 5-6 pages on each section here. I did one page everyday. Its not difficult; the exercises are small but very informative. While attempting the test, make sure you NEVER stop listening. This is the mistake I did. I got confused with one question, started thinking about it in the middle and then missed the answer to the next question. So if you are confused, leave it at that,keep listening and make up your mind when they give you the time in the end to read your answers. Better lose one question than two.

Reading: Prepared from Simon's website again. Especially focus on the 'True, False, Not Given' part. I swear if I hadnt read Simon's lessons on these, I wouldnt have managed to get any of them right.

Writing: Practice. Take 2 topics for both tasks from any website, especially simon's, write your own essay, and then compare it with the given answer. Mark your mistakes, underline new words you can use. And search for synonyms of words online. In the end, atleast a dozen of these new words manage to stick in your mind even if you cannot remember all of them.

Speaking: I did a mistake on this one too. I stopped short of the two minutes in part two, and the examiner asked me to go on. So I had to make up stuff and that is where I did a lot of 'umm, aah' too, so I must have lost marks there. Speak for full 2 minutes. Also, here is a website: http://www.goodluckielts.com/IELTS-speaking-topics.html
Go through ALL these questions and prepare their answers beforehand. I did that and trust me, all of the questions that he asked me in part 1 were from this list. So it wasnt difficult answering them fluently.

Good luck everyone :)

[Braulio]

Hello Juan,

How are you? Would you mind if I try to answer your question?
The sentence is an example of conditional sentence type II.If you haven't heard of this terminology before, don't worry too much. You could have a look at the link below ,which summarizes the topic. :http://www.ego4u.com/en/cram-up/grammar/conditional-sentences

Let me ask you something.. Do we have a 'perfect society' ? When we are talking about something that's not real, we must refer to this type of conditional sentence. That's the reason he wrote using simple past.

sincerely,
Braulio

[juanm]

Thanks braulio.
Have a good one.

[hiba]

hello Zoha
yes im a pharmacist. would you like to chat on Skype mine is h.aimly

[hiba]

h.aimly2013

[Zoha]

Hiba, ok I will add u on Skype . I am also ovesea pharmacist so I want to apply oversea programme.

[Sogol]

Dear simon,
Is it true to say:
confidence that we are all protected by the fair low
Or
Confide that we are all protected by the fair low

Thank you in advance for your response

[orxan]

Thanks Saliha for all advices that you mentioned above... I shall try to follow those.... Good luck for you...

[hiba]

hello zoha
try the second one h.aimly2013

[Hessam]

I'm so sad.
Reading : 5.5
Spk : 7
Wrt : 7
list: 7

overall : 6.5
Missed 0.5 only !!
and I need 7 :(
anyway..
thank u Simon ....
:(( I will never forget u ..

[Braulio]

Hey Hessam, although you haven't achieved the score you need , I'd like to congratulate you on the other bands you have achieved 7.0. Don't give up! Sure you will get the desired score you want nex time! Best of luck!!

[SUJAN KHADKA]

Dear simon,i would like to thank you a lot for your essential blog.I have got overall 6 in recent examination january11,2014.I visited your site since 8 month.Now the result have been published and i fell quite better(FROM:SUJAN KHADKA...NEPAL,BHARATPUR 10,CHITWAN)

[Muhiddin]

Hi Simon.
I'm a new member. I wanted to ask something. I think you paragraph is designed to be para1. What about continuation of this essay?
Thanks.

[Chris]

Hi Simon,
Shall we leave a blank line between two paragraphs in the writing tasks?
I was told by the teacher in the ielts test room not to leave blank lines.

[stay up late]

I am sorry for borrow a part of your essay, it's really great. Here is my essay:

Ideal society or ideal life is a dream of many people for centuries. Arguments have come up among people regarding what is the most important factor for a perfect society. Some say it’s gender equality, some say it’s human right. But if I had to choose the one, most desirable element of an ideal society, it would have to be safety.
A safe society would be one in which crime did not exist, and in which all citizens trusted their neighbors, felt part of a community, and were even able to leave their doors unlocked without fear. A broader definition of safety could also include belief in the integrity of state institutions, such as governments or police forces, and confidence that we are all protected by fair laws. In this sense, safety could be described as the most basic freedom and the starting point for the creation of a perfect society.
There are several ways to create a safety society. One way is that government create jobs for all people, no one is unemployed and has stable income. Improving social security benefits for everyone in society, especially pregnant women, children and elderly is also a way to reach to safety society. Another way is that society should be protected by fair laws, everyone in society is treated equally, people obey the law and no crime exist. As a result, government pay less for police forces and give more for educations and decrease tax money, boost people’s income and everyone feel happy.

[Rahul]

@stay up late

in my opinion 3rd para of ur essay do not precisely matches what you said in introduction.
i would like to know simon's opinion about this essay especially about last paragraph. hope he will help us.

[Sophie Yu]

Dear Simon

Thank you for your site and all the contained information :) I have found them extremely useful for me to sorted out some major confusions about writing,especially how to organize the essay and how to introduce and conclude each essay.

The most valuable knowledge you provided us is that the format of what a band 9 essay look like.

I followed this site for more than one month now and I'll take the IELTS test next week. Good luck to all!