IELTS Writing Task 2: another example

Here's another example of a "firstly, secondly, finally" paragraph that I wrote with my students:

Three main factors are affecting health in modern societies. One problem is the lack of awareness among many people of the negative consequences of an unhealthy diet. This is made worse by the prevalence of fast food and processed food, which are full of fat, salt and sugar. Another key factor is the changing trend in lifestyles. For example, children’s hobbies now involve much less outdoor activity, and adults are less active as jobs have shifted towards sedentary office work instead of manual labour. In addition to this, time-saving technologies, such as cars, elevators, dishwashers and washing machines, have made people lazier.

Analyse the paragraph by answering the following questions.

1. What is the main topic of the paragraph?
2. Which phrases are used instead of "firstly, secondly, finally"?
3. What examples of 'band 7-9' vocabulary can you find?

Comments

[Zuber]

Thanks Simon for this example.

1. Effect on health due to Modernization.
2. One problem is, Another key factor is , In addition to this,
3.
lack of awareness,
negative consequences,
prevalence of fast food ,
sedentary office work ,
time-saving technologies

[Arale]

1. The main topic is factors affecting health in modern society.

2. "One problem is...", "another key factor...", and "In addition to this..."

3. I find:
affecting health,
lack of awareness,
the prevalence of,
shifted towards sedentary office work,
manual labour

I still cannot believe brand 9 can be that easy, However, your methods are a logic approach. Thank you for your lesson, Simon.

[Abdurahman]

1): About health issue
2): one problem, Another key, in Addition
3): consequences, prevalence, sedentary

[Hibba]

1.the problem we face nowadays of overweight and obesity and the level of fitness.
2.one problem, another key factor, in addition
3.consequences, prevalence of fast food and processed food, outdoor activity, sedentary work, manual work, time-saving technologies

[Hoang Anh Thu Nguyen]

Good evening teacher
1. three main facotors are affecting health in modern society
2. one problem, another key factor, in addition to.
3. lack of awarness
negative consequences
sedentary office.
time-saving techonologies.

[keval]

1) effects on health in modern societies. 2) "One problem is...", "another key factor...", and "In addition to this..." 3) negative consequences
prevalence
time-saving technologies

[nhuthuynh]

1) Health Problems in morden lifestyle
2) The first issue need to mention is that, The next problem is, Last but no least
3) prevelance of, sedentary, consequences, time-saving technologies

[Ad]

1.Main Topic of the paragraph = Factors affecting health in modern societies.

2.Phrases instead of " firstly, secondly , finallly"= One problem is, Another key factor is, In addition to this,

3. Band 7-9 vocabulary =
the lack of awareness
the negative consequences
unhealthy diet
the prevelance of fast food and processed food
changing trend in lifestyle
much less outdoor activity
shifted towards sedentary office work
instead of manual labou
time-saving technologies
lazier

[Ad]

Oh, the "r " is missing from LABOUR

[Liliana]

1. Bad habits that affect health in today's world.
2. One problem, Another key factor, In addition to this.
3. Lack of awareness, made worse by the prevalence..., jobs have shifted towards sedentary office work, time-saving technologies.

THANK YOU!

[Razaq]

What is the main topic of the paragraph?
Ans: Modern Society and Health

Which phrases are used instead of "firstly, secondly, finally"?
Ans: One problem, Another key factor, In addition to this
What examples of 'band 7-9' vocabulary can you find?
Ans: lack of awareness, consequences, prevalence, trend in lifestyles, sedentary office.

[Nariman]

1. Affect on health in modern societies.
2. One problem is; Another key factor is; In addition to this.
3. the lack of awareness; the negative consequences; by the prevalence;
shifted towards sedentary office; time-saving technologies;

[Mahtash]

1- the effective factors on Health in modern societies
2- One problem, Another key factor, in addition to this
3. the lack of awareness,the negative consequences , by the prevalence of , the changing trend in lifestyles, have shifted towards sedentary office work , manual labour,time-saving technologies

[minibluebag]

1.Three major reasons,which negatively influence the well-being of people, in the parts of the developed world.

(I tried to paraphrase the topic sentence of the paragraph)

2.One problem is /Another key factor is/In addition

3.Vocabulary pertaining band 7 - 9 :
- lack of awareness (among ..),
- negative consequences (of..)
- unhealthy diet,
- prevalence (of ..),
- processed food,
- key factor,
- changing trends (in...)
- outdoor activity,
- shifted towards,
- sedentary (office jobs)
- manual labour,
- time-saving (technologies)

[Sidney Hua]

Thanks for posting up this example

My answer to the following are :
1/. Modernisation affect our society's health
2/. ' One, Another key factor, In addition to this'
3/. Sedentary office work, prevalence, processed food, time-saving technology & manual labour

[Susie]

1. Factors affecting health in modern societies
2. Phrases used instead of "firstly. secondly, finally are "one problem is", "another key factor is", " In addition to this"
3.
Prevalence of fast food and processed food
involve much less
sedentary office work
manual labour

[Tuan]

1. Factors effect on health in modern society
2. One problem, another key factor, in addition to
3. sedentaty office work, the changing tend in lifestyle
time-saving technology, much less outdoor activities, lack of awareness, nagative consiquences, unhealthy diet, prevalence of, processed food

[k]

1. Major factors which are responsible for the bad health in modern societies
2. One problem is (firstly), Another key factor is (secondly), In addition to this (finally)
3. Topic related phrases (Vocabulary)
Lack of awareness
Negative consequences
An unhealthy diet
This is made worse
The prevalence (occurrence) of fast food and processed food
The changing trend in lifestyles
Much less outdoor activity
Jobs have shifted towards sedentary office work
Time-saving technologies
Have made people lazier

[Bikram]

Causes of unhealthy regime in modern world.

1. Three main factors....
a. One problem,...
b. Another key factor,...
c. In addition to this,...

2. negative consequence
prevalance
sedantary office job

Thanks

[Muhammad]

Hi dear Simon,

I have only 9 days till my exam and I'm really worrying and nervous about my writing score.When practising I get 6.0 or 6.5 everytime whereas I need 7.0.I try to follow your structure.I know that you don't grade essays.So,can anyone please take a look at my following essay and suggest some improvement for a 7.0 band score.Thanks in advance

Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

It is sometimes argued that children should start learning a second language since primary school instead of secondary school. While there are convincing points both for and against of this opinion, I personally believe that advantages of this statement are superior to its disadvantages.

On the one hand, it is understandable that learning another language can be a burden for younger children. For example, as there are more important subjects such as math, science or mother tongue, an extra language module can let children back from learning these basic and essential subjects. This, in turn, may demotivate young pupils to study fully focused due to loads of materials.

On the other hand, however, there are some benefits of learning a foreign language at primary school. Firstly, teaching any given subject as well as a language in younger ages is relatively easy, as kids can catch up everything they taught instantly and remember it for a long period of time or even sometimes this knowledge can stay with them over the whole lifetime. Secondly, by teaching a second language to children, we can extract their linguistic abilities and improve them further. For instance, there might be talented students in terms of linguistic skills, and they can be trained in this field more deeply. Finally, if children learn any other language, it can help them to grow up more intellectually. For example, they can watch some TV programs or movies in foreign languages.

To sum up, I would argue that the benefits of learning a foreign language beginning from junior school years do outweigh its drawbacks.

[Simon]

FROM SIMON:

I think "k" answered my 3 questions well (look 3 comments above this). Other people did too, but k's answer is the easiest one for me to refer to.

[Moustafa]

Hi Mr. Simon, and thanks again for your help

My answers are
1. The impact of modernity on our health
2. One problem, another key and in addition to this
3. The Sequence of ideas (one problem is,another key factor "supported by example" and in addition to this) and variety of vocabularies such as: awareness, negative consequences, prevalence, lifestyles, sedentary office work and so on.

[silver]

Hi simon u r such wonderful teacher l,m really fond of our writing video lessons ,the only problem is that when I watch ur lessons , every thing become very easy but when it come to my own writing I can't do it .

[Appo88]

Hi Guys!

Just want to give you a really good essay how to describe charts and numbers!

http://www.economist.com/blogs/graphicdetail/2014/03/european-economy-guide

In general, the editors of The Economist have a pretty flawless style of writing. Good to learn from. :)

[g]

Hi, Simon,
I have just spotted something: less outdoor activity. Should we use activities?
Thanks

[[email protected]]

hi Simon, should the "outdoor activity" be changed to "outdoor activities"?

[[email protected]]

1.What is the main topic of the paragraph?
The three factors are affecting health.

2.Which phrases are used instead of "firstly, secondly, finally"?
1) One problem is lack of ...
2) Another key factor is ...
3) In addtion to this, ...

3.What examples of 'band 7-9' vocabulary can you find?
consequences, prevalence, involve, sedentary office work, manual labor, time-saving.

[Zhe young]

Hello, k
It seems there are a few of mistakes related to gramma and word choice.
I also did a lot of practice, so from my experiences, the most important thing of achieving above 7 band is to write a error-free essay.
On the other hand your ideas and examples can be improved further.

[Yoyo]

1. There are three factors affecting health in modern societies.

2. one problem, another key factor, in addition to this

3. prevalence of fast food and processed food, sedentary office work, time-saving technologies

[Simon]

Quick note from Simon:

"activity" is uncountable in this paragraph, so it's correct to say "less activity".

[allen]

!!!!!!!!!!!!
Simon,
you are a psychic!!!!
almost exactly the same topic as in the March 8th Generaly traning exam in China!
I used all your ideas and some stentences.
I did memorized them all but I changed a little to make it more like my words.

many many many thanks!!!!

[Mizanur]

I follow your all instruction and i get it very useful. So thanks you for to give this great tips.
essay writing services review

[Hung]

1. Major factor affect people's health in modern life.
2. One problem is (Firstly)
Another key factor is (Secondly)
In addition to this (finally)
3. Health in mordern societies
negative consequences
an unhealthy diet
The prevalance of fast food
less outdoor activities
shifted towards sedentary office word
time saving technologies

[Terry]

I used the " first, second and final" method to structure one paragraph during the writing test and I only received a 5.5 last week(I have got numbers of 6.5 before this one)...I think the examiner might judge me for interpreting a model essay.

[su]

in listening or reading is i write as Central Station ( C and S in capital ) instead of central station will it goes as wrong, because i have a habit of starting every word in capital.

pls advise.

[Thuzar]

1. affective health in modern society
2. one problem is, another key factor is, in addition to this
3.awareness,negative,consequences,prevalence,
sedentary

[safaa]

factors effect of the health in modern society
in the beginning
on the other hand
lastly

[niuxiufeng]

main topic:
Three main factors are affecting health in modern societies.

paraphrase*
one problem is... another key factor is...In addition to this

good vocabularies:

be affecting health in modern societies
lack of awareness among many people of
the negative consequences of an unhealthy diet
the prevalence of
fast food processed food
key factor is
change trend in lifestyle
hobbies involve much less outdoor activity
shift toward
sedentary office work manual labour
time-saving technologies

[zhang xiaochun]

Three main factors are affecting health in modern societies.

Three main factors are......One problem is..... Another key factor is

the lack of awareness among .....of the negative consequences of.....
the prevalence of fast food and processed food
the changing trend in lifestyles