Here's another 'firstly, secondly, finally' paragraph that I wrote with my students. As usual, it contains three main ideas, and five sentences in total.
Ways to improve road safety (apart from using punishments):
I believe that safe driving can be promoted in several different ways that do not punish drivers. Firstly, it is vitally important to educate people properly before they start to drive, and this could be done in schools or even as part of an extended or more difficult driving test. Secondly, more attention could be paid to safe road design. For example, signs can be used to warn people, speed bumps and road bends can be added to calm traffic, and speed cameras can help to deter people from driving too quickly. Finally, governments or local councils could reduce road accidents by investing in better public transport, which would mean that fewer people needed to travel by car.
Note: This would be a 'band 9' paragraph. Does that surprise you? Can you explain why it deserves such a high score?
Wow
Posted by: Sabina | April 15, 2015 at 13:11
May be detailed information with the supporting examples?:)
Posted by: Sabina | April 15, 2015 at 13:13
Very well written.
One thing I always notice about Simon's writing is that it's externally easy to read and understand which is the key to get higher band.
It's always complex (takes lots of efforts) to make something which looks very easy !!
Posted by: Jay Patel | April 15, 2015 at 13:14
I learnt a new word in your class last weekend which is -to deter as a verb and deterrent as a noun
Thanks Simon
Posted by: Nadia | April 15, 2015 at 13:42
While the paragraph looks easy , it deserves a high score because we use a good vocabulary which related to the topic . For example , safe driving , difficult driving test , safe road design , signs, speed bumps , road bends , speed cameras , public transport and reduce road accidents .
Posted by: Nadia | April 15, 2015 at 13:54
I would say that it is very easy to understand, simple but very effective and logical answer. Every sentence and word are addressing the essay question. There is not any extra word which is non-essential. Fully Task response, Very easy to follow, no grammar mistakes and appropriate vocabulary.
Thanks for making us realize that write simple and clear.
Posted by: K | April 15, 2015 at 14:00
The author gives not only his opinions but also support them :)
Posted by: Gul | April 15, 2015 at 15:06
short but persuasive! love it! Please keep it coming
Posted by: thichonha | April 15, 2015 at 15:18
Hi Simon,
Let me guess...
Lexical Resource:
A good amount of topic-specific vocabulary (Safe road design, speed bumps, road bends etc.)
Good general vocab as well (as a part of, deter from, etc.)
Collocations also present (Vitally important, attention...paid , calm traffic)
Grammatical range and accuracy:
Considerable variation in grammar for each point ( It is important, could be paid, can be used, could reduce)
No punctuation errors.
No grammatical errors.
Coherence and cohesion:
(coherence) The paragraph starts with a general statement, and then divides itself into 4 points. The 4 points could have seemed isolated pieces otherwise, but the general statement ties them up neatly. In other words, the paragraph is skilfully managed.
(Cohesion) Firstly, secondly, Finally...
The clarity of writing as well , I suppose, would be in favor of coherence.
Task response:
Every statement is purposeful, and addresses the topic at hand.
Each point is sufficiently extended.There is no ambiguity or vagueness in any of the point.
I hope I am on the target here, Simon.
Harry Sra
Posted by: Harry Sra | April 15, 2015 at 15:50
Very well organised.
Posted by: nazanin | April 15, 2015 at 15:52
Hi,
I found a few great vocabularies,
1. to calm traffic
2. difficult driving test
3. reduce road accidents
thanks
Posted by: Raveen | April 15, 2015 at 15:58
Hi Simon,
I understand you are a very busy person. I need just a few words of
advice on my writing. I appeared in IELTS exam last year without any
prior preparation and got a Band 7 in writing. I am appearing again, 3
days from now.
I've been reading through the Band 9 samples of task 2 on your
website, which have got me thinking, and a bit confused as well. Can
you write that simple a language (grammatically), and still get band 9
on grammar?
I've had problems with writing overly complex sentences myself, and
have been working on it from some time now. But after reading your
samples, I'm afraid I still might be using more complex grammar than
is necessary. Can you please take a look at this essay I wrote? All I
need to know is ,do I simplify my writing even further? I am afraid I
might lose coherence marks if I don't. (My Band requirement is 8)
Some people think that planting trees in open spaces in cities and
towns is more important than building houses. To what extent do you
agree or disagree?
Some people consider planting trees to be a better utilization of open
city spaces than constructing buildings. I too feel this is the better
option of the two. I will clarify the stance I have assumed by
elaborating on how trees counter the problems of both noise and air
pollution.
The first reason to favor trees over buildings is that trees are known
to be effective in reducing the overall noise levels within an
environment. To elaborate, one of the most discomforting yet often
ignored aspect of city life is the constant clamor of vehicles, which
is a causal factor in a number of psychological disorders. Given these
conditions, the significance of trees emerges from the fact that they
are a highly cost-effective ways to reduce noise as the soft twigs and
leaves of trees act as natural noise absorbents. Thus, it is
reasonable to prefer trees over buildings.
The second point in support of tree plantation pertains to the role of
trees in keeping the pollution levels within a city under control. To
expand on, the extent to which air pollution has becomes a cause of
concern in urban dwellings is highlighted by the ever increasing
number of people migrating to countrysides for fresh air. This is an
extreme step, I believe, which can easily be avoided, as the natural
mechanism within a tree to absorb toxic gases, and to convert them
into oxygen presents itself as a feasible alternative remedial
measure. Trees can thus be of immense importance in urban landscapes.
To sum up, trees are the answer to the two major problems facing
cities namely, excessive noise, and polluted air. So, in conclusion, I
reaffirm that planting trees is more important for cities than adding
more buildings.
Harry Sra
Posted by: Harry Sra | April 15, 2015 at 16:12
Hi Simon, shouldn't there be an article?
"A"part of an extended or more difficult driving test.
Posted by: serg | April 15, 2015 at 22:16
FROM SIMON:
Great comments guys. As some of you said, it isn't as easy as it seems to write clearly and coherently!
...
Hi Harry,
I'm afraid I don't comment on people's essays - I'd receive too many if I did.
Just out of interest, which of the grammatical structures that you used do you think might be unnecessarily complex?
...
Hi Serg,
No, we can say "as part of" without an article. A typical example would be "as part of a healthy diet".
Posted by: Simon | April 15, 2015 at 22:47
Hi Simon,
Its OK.I can understand.
This sentence for instance,seems to be complex given that you are writing Band 9 with shorter sentences.
"This is an
extreme step, I believe, which can easily be avoided, as the natural
mechanism within a tree to absorb toxic gases, and to convert them
into oxygen presents itself as a feasible alternative remedial
measure."
Harry Sra
Posted by: Harry Sra | April 16, 2015 at 02:37
dear Simon, unfortunately I am kind of confused about the writing method as I have been taught that there should include a topic sentence and support sentences (explain or example) to support the topic idea (similar like your second idea.) We don't need to explain more as for the first and third ideas?
Thank you for your contribution all the time.
Vivian
Posted by: Vivian | April 16, 2015 at 14:37
He use correct keywords and strong vocab as well
Posted by: poomam | April 17, 2015 at 03:06
>>> which would mean that fewer people needed to travel by car.
Hi Simon,
Could you please give an explanation why you uses "needed" instead of "need"?
Thanks,
Alex
Posted by: Alex | April 17, 2015 at 04:57
Hi Harry,
It's not difficult to make a longer sentence by using "which", "as" and "and" to connect ideas, but by 'overdoing' this you risk losing coherence.
I think you were trying too hard to be difficult in that sentence - I found that your point was almost lost as you kept extending the sentence and adding extra words. Simplify a bit, and I think your writing will be better.
...
Hi Vivian,
The paragraph I wrote already contains over 100 words, so I wouldn't add any more supporting sentences.
If you only have one idea (instead of 3), you can add more support. Here's a simple example:
http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2011/05/ielts-writing-task-2-idea-explain-example.html
...
Hi Alex,
It would also be fine to write 'need' or 'would need'.
After the phrase "would mean that..." you'll sometimes see the past simple used (like 'needed' in my paragraph), but I think 'would need' might be more common.
Posted by: Simon | April 17, 2015 at 15:09
Simon,
Thank you very much for your explanation. It helps.
Regards,
Alex
Posted by: Alex | April 17, 2015 at 15:23
Hi Simon,
I am appearing for academic module on 25th April.
Your videos has been a great help and this site as well.
I am having difficulty in managing time in writing test. If I try to practice with time then my quality of writing has decreasing to a bad level.
Can you give some advice on this topic.
I am getting worried as my exam is approaching soon.
Posted by: Akshay Indurkar | April 17, 2015 at 16:16
Hi. It is really good essay...but what about number of words? It is less then 250 words required. Can it reflect on scoring?
Posted by: Elena | April 19, 2015 at 04:32
I guess there are three main reasons.
1 the clear structure of this paragraph:
1) a topic sentence to explain the main idea.
2) three supporting ideas
2 the three supporting ideas all contain a lot of topic-related details.
3 the use of good vocabularies.
Posted by: Summer | April 19, 2015 at 09:16
Hi,
i was wondering if somebody good give me a feedback on this sentence, whether it is correct in terms of grammar.
"it is a fact that many medical achievements, such as vaccines against measles, would have not been achieved if animal testing had not been used."
I'm a little bit confused because of the double negations.
Thanks in advance
Posted by: SanjaSt | April 20, 2015 at 12:10
Respected Sir,
I am a working professional.I need 7 band score in each module and I have appeared for the IELTS exam last month and my score was L-7,W-6,S-6 And Reading 5.Please help me to achieve 7 band score.
Posted by: KAMALJIT SINGH | April 20, 2015 at 16:18
Dear Simon,
I was wondering whether you can show me how to watch the videos posted on this website. I've tried using two different laptops to open it but to no avail. I honestly have no idea what went wrong.
best wishes,
Summer
Posted by: Summer | April 21, 2015 at 00:09
Hi Summer,
I don't know where you live, but the problem might be that the video websites are blocked in your country.
Posted by: Simon | April 21, 2015 at 21:34
I don't understand some wordslike speed bumps, road bends and calm traffic. I search internet and read wikipedia which use speed humps and traffic calming and narrows road. Personally, there is a troubles with speed bumps, and calm traffic.
Posted by: Thang | April 23, 2015 at 05:27
Much appreciated, Simon.
Vivian
Posted by: Vivian | April 23, 2015 at 19:37
Whole passage is divided in systematic way, Starting from introduction to stating each point of enhancing road safety and finally conclusion. All the three points looks strong and convincing.
Posted by: priyanka | April 27, 2015 at 17:38
hi Simon,
your essay is quite amazing with its simple but clear structure and excellent vocabulary. However, I wonder if you write one paragraph with "firstly, secondly and finally" then how would you organise your second body paragraph when it comes to you that again you have to make a list of some ideas?
And if "firstly, secondly, and finally" does its best in thoroughly expressing ideas, should we employ it in the second body paragraph of an essay whose two body paragraphs are likely to list several supporting ideas?
Thanks
Posted by: Natasha Nguyen | April 30, 2015 at 04:18
ideas are well connected...simple and abt vocabulary..thats all...
Posted by: rekhil | May 01, 2015 at 19:31
Firs: a good range of related vocabulary and collocation.
second: A complete answer to the question.
third: a good range of grammatical notes, which are correctly used.
Posted by: maryam | May 13, 2015 at 07:14
Hi,
Iam looking for a Model essay answer for the below task 2 topic
In the past people used to wear their traditional clothes depending on their culture. Nowadays the trend is changing and people wear different clothes. Is it a positive or negative development? How does it affect certain societies and people’s behavior?
Posted by: Sree | October 14, 2015 at 08:50
The paragraph explains your ideas from three aspects: driving education of drives, road design and government investment. each idea just use one sentence, except for the second paragraph with an instance.
And explaining is very clear.
Posted by: Keddie Z. | November 24, 2015 at 12:06