IELTS Writing Task 1: introduction problems

Look at the following statement from a question in Cambridge IELTS book 10.

The charts below show what UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college in 2008.

Now read an introduction written by a student (below). There are several problems in this introduction sentence - not only grammatical problems. Can you see them?

Introduction sentence:
The bar graphs give information and compare between the kinds of jobs opted by UK's undergraduate and postgraduate students who did not go for a full time job after completing their degrees in 2008.

Comments

[DR-ALI]

Hi Simon,
please let me know, is it a fine introduction?

The bar charts compare the destination of UK graduates and postgraduates who did not enter into a full-time job after graduation in the year 2008.

[Ayako]

The question of introduction dose not mention about tendency of job kinds picked by students.

The bar chart compares figure for part-time work positioned by graduate and postgraduate students who left college in the UK in the year of 2008.

[James Z.]

I happened to practice this question just a couple of days ago. I'm wondering if we can consider the proportions of graduates who did part-time work and were unemployed as almost half as many as that of those who did further study?

Here is my answer:

The two bar charts compare the number of British graduates and postgraduates in terms of four different destinations in the year 2008. Figures for full-time employment are not included.

It is clear that the majority of both groups of students chose to continue (with) their studies after obtaining previous degree, while only a small fraction of college leavers worked on a voluntary basis. It is also noticeable that there was a higher proportion of part-time workers among postgraduate students than graduates.

Looking at the first chart, close to 30,000 graduates in the UK went on for a higher degree in 2008, which was the highest figure shown on the chart. By contrast, the number of students that did unpaid work was lowest, at only 3,500. At the same time, the figures for college leavers who worked part-time and who remained jobless were more or less similar, at around 18,000 and 16,000 respectively.

With regard to postgraduate students, the number of those who did further study continued to be the highest, at 2,725, while the least favoured option remained to be voluntary work. However, 2,535 engaged in part-time employment, which was a noticeably greater proportion than that of graduate students. On the other hand, over 1,600 postgraduates were unemployed.

[Ghalia]

1 - no need to repeat compare and give information
2 - between the kinds of jobs
3 - undergraduates
4 - UK's
5 - completing their degrees
6 - who did not go for a full time job ( copied from the question , not for should be into, job should be jobs)
The bar charts compare the number of graduates and postgraduates in the UK in terms of the work they did after they had finished their study at university excluding full-time work in the year 2008.

[Ning]

The use of 'opt' here is very strange to me because this word should be used for 'making a choice from a range of possibilities' while finding a job is not like buying a product from the supermarket.
I think 'choose' would be a better word instead of 'opt' in this sentence.

[Keddie Z.]

The bar graphs give information and compare between the kinds of jobs opted by UK's undergraduate and postgraduate students who did not go for a full time job after completing their degrees in 2008.

1. The first bold lacks some specific detail about the information and is a little bit redundant with "compare".
2. "compare" should be followed by "with".
3. replace "opted" with "taken"
4. "UK's" is wired, replace with "in the UK"

Finally, I would like to use "graduating" or "their graduation" rather than "completing their degrees".

[sun]

intro:
The bar charts compared to destinations of UK graduates who were graduated from university in 2008 but didn't employ with a full - time job.

[sun]

There are several problems:
Noun clause ?
Prepositions : give information ABOUT
Compare with / of OR comparison
Opt FOR
Verb : complete use to emphasize that something is as great in extent, degree
Possessive UK’s undergraduate and…(X)

[Jamie]

Here are my thoughts on this introduction:

-It is redundant to write"give information and compare" together and can just leave compare sentence.
-"compare the kinds of jobs" is nonsense and it doesn't mention what detail or how they are compared in the bar chart, by percentage or student numbers... etc.
-It doesn't mention which kind of jobs in the bar charts.
-The use of "UK's" is strange and i think the use of "in the UK" is better.

Any feedback on my comments is welcome :)

[sun]

improved the sentences
The bar graphs give information about / comparisons of jobs opt for undergraduate and postgraduate students in the UK who did not go for a full time job after finishing degrees in 2008.

[Catherine Roberts]

My suggestion is PTE is the best...

[Kami]

The charts give information about the kind of career selected by British professional students among those not having a permanent job in 2008, right after doing their major.

[lana]

Could anyone telle the difference between graduate and postgraduate? Are not they the same?

[Haiying Tang]

Dear Simon,
I love your website and I am willing to pay for the ebook , but there is one question about how you know that payment is from me if it is payed by my husband. Could you please let me know what the right way to process it? I would appreciate that.
Yours sincerely
Helen Tang

[Quyen]

The charts below show what UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college in 2008.

Paraphrase:
graduate and postgraduate students = undergraduate and postdoc students
after leaving college = after completing their degree

=> The charts give information about what (under)graduate and postdoc students who live in the UK and did not work full-time did after completing their degree in 2008.

[marie]

The illustrations given show what graduates and postgraduates of UK in 2008 do instead of working full-time.

(Please correct me if I'm wrong, simon. thanks!)

[Ruhengiz]

The graph elucidates information on the next steps of graduate and postgraduate students,not involved full-time job,after leaving college in Us in1980.

[Ruhengiz]

Please correct me if I have mistake.Thanks in advance

[Dee]

Hi Simon, I wonder if we could use "describe" instead of "give information" or "show".
Thank you!

[Mart]

Gives a good insight

[eph]

Hi Simon,
Can you kindly check my introduction.

The bar charts give information about the career paths of undergraduate and postgraduate students in the UK who were not engaged in full-time job after leaving the university in 2008.

[Jila]

James z you write better than any teachers .

[Thuy Linh]

Hi Simon,
I wonder if we need to write both overall and conclusion in writing task 1? I see some of your Task 1 writings don't have conclusion but still get band 9.0. My IELTS teacher told me that to get a band score over 7.0, we should have conclusion rather than overall. Pls advice soon since I'm going to take the IELTS test this December.
Thanks a lot.

[reabells]

Hello Simon, I hope you could help me in my writing skills. Here is my answer ...

By 2008, the bar graphs illustrate the four destination (part-time work, voluntary work, further study and unemployment)of British graduate and post graduate students after leaving college, except full-time work.

Overall, majority of both group chose to continue their studies after obtaining a degree while a small percentage of students started to work on a voluntary basis. Consequently, their is a slightly increased number of British post-graduate as a part time employed.

As for the UK graduates, the highest number is 29,665 of them went for further study. By contrast, the number of students went for voluntary work was lowest, at only 3500. While graduates who decided to work as a part-time and remained jobless were approximately similar, at around 18,000 and 16,000.

Lastly, post graduate students decided to study further which is 2,725, while the least favored option remained to be unpaid. However, a great proportion was observed for students who worked as part-time as evidence by 2,535.

(157 words)

[Howard_Dong]

Hi Simon, I hope you can help me in Task 1...

The bar charts compares the numbers of different destinations apart from full-time employment chosen by graduates and postgraduates in the UK in the year of 2008.

Overall, although the number of graduates in four kinds of careers was higher than the postgraduates' one ,the proportions between two groups were alike. And it is clear that further study was the most popular choice both for graduates and postgraduates.

According to the first bar chart, 29,665 numbers of students chose to study further , whose figure was strictly dominating other destinations. Part-time work was the second most attracting selection ,with 17,735 students and the figure for it was slightly higher than the number of those who struggled with unemployment. And less people wanted to do voluntary work.

Let's look at the next graph, there were more postgraduates who preferred to continuing studying or doing a part-time job rather than other destinations, with 2,725 students and 2,535 students respectively, whilst 1,625 postgraduates found no job , almost 1,000 students less than the number of those with part-time work. Resembling graduates , postgraduates were less likely to be an volunteer, with only 345 people.

[hoda roshani]

hi Simon I hope you'll help me with my essay
The bar charts below provide information about what two groups of graduates and postgraduates do after college if they do not go to a full-time job in the UK in2008. Overall, the statistics in graduate students are significantly (about 10 times) more than postgraduate students and the biggest ratio in both groups belongs to whom are planning for further study.
Among graduate students the least proportion is for people with voluntary work counted for 3500 people. The biggest group of nearly 30000 students is people who chose to continue their education while more than half of this amount are unemployed. Approximately 18000 people had found part-time work.
On the other hand between postgraduate students the study group is one out of ten times smaller but interestingly the biggest ratio is people with further study plane nearly 2800 and the second biggest group with a little difference is for the group who had a part-time job. The least passion for voluntary work is observed with 345 people and about four times of this number are unemployed.

[Hirenkumar Bhalala]

The assinged graph illustrates the distribution of graduates and post graduates by what they did after leaving college in the year 2008.

Overall, what stand out from the statistics data is that the highest proportion of students opted for further education, whearas the least number of scholars did voluntary work.

Firstly, start with graduate students, there was a higher number of students accounted for nearly 30,000 preferred to further study; in comparison around 18,000 graduates chose to did part-time work. Moreover, the figure of unemployed students was 16,235 and students who did voluntary work comprised a 3500.

By stark contrast, similar trend can be seen in post graduates choice, the major chunk of students started further education (2725). Another noteable point is that the number for part-time job students constituted at almost 2500, while post graduates who were unemployed reported at 1625. Interestingly, a mere 345 students did voluntary work.