IELTS Writing Task 1: one correct sentence!

In last week's lesson I asked you to try writing one correct sentence about a graph. Are you able to write a sentence that compares two numbers without making a mistake? If not, then this is something that you must practise.

Here are some sentences that students wrote below the lesson. Can you see what is wrong with each sentence?

1. In 2011, there was a dramatic rise in both prices but as compared to oil, food index price went to 250 points.
2. In 2011 food price index raised dramatically and reached a peak almost to 240 points and there was a slight increase in oil price, it was about $100 by that time.
3. After gradual increase in the previous year, the price of oil and food inclined to 100 dollars per barrels and 240 points respectively in 2011.

And here's a sentence that contains no mistakes:

In 2011, the average oil price rose to nearly $100 per barrel, while the food price index reached its peak, at almost 240 points.

Comments

[Vanessa Nguyen]

1. ...went up 250 points... not went to 250 points
2. ... a peak of almost 240 points not a peak to
... which was about $100 not it was about
3.after a gradual increase not after gradual increase

[Andrew]

Good morning ,teacher Simon! Here are my answers:
1.In 2011, there was a dramatic rise in both prices and food price index went to 250 points while oil price reached 100& per barrel.
2.In 2011 food price index rose dramatically and reached a peak of almost 240 points and there was a slight increase in oil price which was about $100 per barrel by that time.
3.After a gradual increase in the year before, the prices of oil and food increased to 100 dollars per barrel and 240 points respectively in 2011.

[Rio]

1. In 2011, there was a dramatic rise in both [commodities], [with the food price index reaching a peak of 240 points and oil prices rising to $100].

2. In 2011[,] [the] food price index reached a peak [of] 240 points [while oil prices increased slightly to $100].

3. Oil prices and the food price index [increased] to $100 per barrel and 240 points respectively in 2011.

[joanne]

1.In 2011, there was a dramatic increase in both commodities with the oil price and the food price index at $100 per barrel and 240 points respectively.
2.In 2011, the food price index rose dramatically and reached its peak at almost 240 points while the price of oil increased slightly to about $100 .
3.After a gradual increase in the previous year, the price of oil and food increased to 100 dollars per barrels and 240 points respectively in 2011.

[Yoyo]

1:In 2011, there was a "dramatically" rise in both prices but as compared to oil, food index price went "up" to 250 points.
2:In 2011 food price index rose dramatically and reached a peak almost 240 points and there was a slight increase $100 in oil price by that time.
3:After "gradually increased" in the previous year, the price of oil and food inclined to 100 dollars per barrels and 240 points respectively in 2011.

[Eva]

1. In 2011, there were dramatic rises in both figures: especially, food price index rose up to as many as 240 points.

2. In 2011, food price index raised dramatically and reached a peak almost at 240 points. Meanwhile, there was a gradual increase in oil price up to $100.

3. Following a gradual recovery in the previous year, oil price and food price index climbed to 100 dollars per barrel and 240 points respectively.

[Reinhardt]

1. In 2011, there was a dramatic rise in both prices, but compared to oil, food index price went up to 250 points.

2. In 2011 food price index rose dramatically and reached a peak almost at 240 points, while there was a slight increase in oil price which was about $100 by that time.

3. After a gradual increase in the previous year, the price of oil and food increased to 100 dollars per barrels and 240 points respectively in 2011.

[Van Nguyen]

In 2011, there was a dramatic rise in both prices but compared to oil, food index price went up to 250 points.
In 2011 food price index raised dramatically and reached a peak of almost 240 points and there was a slight increase in oil price which was about $100 by that time.
After a gradual increase in the previous year, the price of oil and food increased to 100 dollars per barrels and 240 points respectively in 2011.

[Simon]

ANSWERS FROM SIMON:

First let's look at the problems:

1. The food price index is measured in 'points' whereas the oil price is measured in dollars, so the phrase "as compared to oil, food index price went to 250 points" doesn't make sense. I suggest simply giving both prices.

2. There are a few grammar problems here e.g. missing "the" before "food price", using "raised" instead of "rose", using "a peak almost to", and using "it was" after a comma.

3. Grammar problems again: missing "a" before "gradual increase", using "inclined".

[Simon]

FROM SIMON (continued)

Here are my corrected versions of the 3 sentences:

1. In 2011, there was a dramatic rise in both prices, with the food price index reaching almost 240 points and the price of oil rising to around $100 per barrel.

2. In 2011, the food price index rose dramatically to a peak of almost 240 points, while there was a slight increase in the oil price, to around $100 per barrel.

3. After a gradual increase in the previous year, the price(s) of oil and food increased to 100 dollars per barrel and 240 points respectively in 2011.

[Rio]

Hi Simon,

I truly appreciate all your time and efforts put into correcting our work. I've been following your daily lesson and I could sense that my English is getting better.

[Barbie]

Hi Simon, can you explain what difference between "AROUND $100 per barrel" and "ABOUT $100 per barrel". Thank you :)

[Mellissa]

Thank you teacher Simon alot!