IELTS Writing Task 2: 'bad' introduction example

Have a look at this recent exam question:

Because computers can translate all languages very quickly and accurately, learning a foreign language is a waste of time. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Now look at this example of a 'bad' introduction:

The discussion about whether or not the assimilation of a foreign tongue is needful in this age of computer translation is a contentious one. Although it is undoubtedly true that computers will be of paramount importance throughout all human cultures in the coming years, I am diametrically opposed to the given statement.

Can you see why I think this is a bad introduction? Can you explain what the main problem is? How would you write it in the style that I normally suggest?

Comments

[sanghita]

No background sentence.Orientation of the sentences not okay.

[Bikram]

He has used the words which do not suits in the context. Its hard to understand, what he is trying to convey. Also it does not flow when you read that introduction.

[Simon]

sanghita,

No, it isn't a problem related to background or orientation.

...

Bikram,

You're on the right track - the 'words' are part of the problem.

Can anyone explain more?

[aroo]

1-There are a lot of fancy words and unrelated e.g contacious, foreign tongue(wrong words), in all human cultures in coming years, which have made the statement confusing.2- moreover, this person has written discussion style intro and tried to give a debating style.question has given one opinion, not two sides > so no discussion. we only need to tell why we agree or disagree and why.

[nazanin]

is undoubtedly true that computers will be of paramount importance throughout all human cultures in the coming year should be first

[lyn]

in this introduction，he does not point out the reasons why the functions of computers have a direct connection with learning a foreign language. He just claims that computers wil have a huge impact on human life. In addition,I think the first sentence cannot connect the second sentence appropriately.

[Bikram]

Plus he is not answering the question appropriately. The question is asking about learning any foreign language is useful or not.

Some people argue that to learn a foreign language is a wasting of time, as machines can translate language quite impressively.While i agree that computers are very fast to translate,I disagree that learning a overseas language is a wild-goose chase.

[Adib]

I think the sample introduction that you provided contains vocabularies that do not collocate with other words. For example, I don't believe we could use the word "assimilation" for learning a language. In addition, it is not clear what he/she is going to talk about in the following paragraphs.


Here is my sample introduction:
Some people argue that learning a new language is a waste of time due to the excellent accuracy and speed of the latest translation software. While I agree that these technologies could be used in informal occasions, I do not agree that they could be a reliable substitute for an experienced human translator.

[Gerel]

The introduction gives two different answer. Agree and disagree. So in my opinion this introduction is not answering the question fully. (Confusing answer)

[doena]

Computer is one of an accurate device which could translate many kind of languages. While some people think that we should not learn any international languages since we could rely on the computer, I strongly believe that learning a foreign languange is a fundamental skill that people should do, in order to master any kind of language.

[Nzr]

I think the writer started his writing in a way which converted the essay from opinion one to discussion essay,also his opinion is not enough clear in this introduction,in addition to that the words that he used is not suitable with the context.

My introduction:

It is true that, as result of the advanced technology, computers are able to translate languages.However I completely disagree with the idea that learning languages is a waste of time and we should not relay on technology to translate foreign languages.

[nativespeaker]

"I just love foreign languages, and love learning them. They are the gateway to a different world, a different way of thinking, and a different culture. .... "

[Surri]

The writer should not use the given statement. This fails to make his argument clear enough.

[Candice Liu]

It's not a good introduction because it used some big words unnaturally and ambiguously.
The following one is for your reference:
It is true that computer science has made some progress in language translation in recent years. However, I do not agree with the idea that computer translation is totally accurate and can replace human translation. Learning a foreign language is extremely necessary and useful.

[Dara]

The problem is the word choice. The writer made his introduction sound unnatural due to the so-called BIG words.

[Rio]

Hi Simon,

In my opinion, the main problem is the writer has a thought that a key to get a high score in the writing test is by giving difficult language thereby he/she doesn't realise that there is a lot of mistake in it.

Here's my introduction:

Some people argue that computers have become a smart translation machine therefore it is pointless to learn another language. I completely disagree with this assertion.

Thank you

[Fayrouz]

Template and memorized language

[Hessam]

Simon please help me. I have no one else to check with.
Why do we say "I'm in good shape/form", but not I'm in a good shape ?
The house is in a bad condition or bad condition?
How can I learn these things ?!

[Temmie]

Hi Simon

The reason why i feel this is a bad introduction'is because, "introduction's" should give the
examiner/reader a clue as to what the writer's opinion is per the topic .

Kindly see below my introduction

Some school of thought is of the opinion that since computers can easily and accurately translate all languages there is no reason to learn a foreign language. I However disagree this philosophy as I believe that learning foreign languages can never be a waste of time as they always come handy.

@Simon: i will appreciate your feedback in respect to my introduction

[Temmie]

correcting my typo

Some school of thought is of the opinion that since computers can easily and accurately translate all languages there is no reason to learn a foreign language. I However disagree with this philosophy as I believe that learning foreign languages can never be a waste of time as they always come handy.

[Alex]

Because computers can translate all languages very quickly and accurately, learning a foreign language is a waste of time. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

it is true that electronic gadgets such as computers is the wide library which interpret the languages very precisely , and that means simply there is no need in learning other languages .

The reason is that introduction included many words ,which are not frequently used in a normal conversation , readings as well

[Ngan]

It is believed that there is no point in learning foreign languages since the development of technology could help people to translate them in an effective way. I completely disagree with this statement.

[Grant]

My introduction,

It is true that computers have substantially become inevitable tools in daily life through advanced technology. While people can easily understand or achieve translations by using computers, I disagree the opinion that people should completely rely on the translation software rather than learning new languages themselves.

Grant

[albee]

More and more people tend to rely on computer-based translation ,while I can understand that this method is efficcient sometimes,I competely disagree with the idea that acquring a forieign language is uselss.

[Dorothy]

This introduction lacks proper use of vocabulary words.

My introduction:
There is no doubt that learning a new language is always a great experience, but due to advancement in technology many people started relies on computers. I believe that dependence on technology should not be too much that people cannot survive without that.

[Andrew]

I think the main problem is that he failed to give the reader a clear argument. The question tells us that learning a foreign language is a waste of time while in the introduction this becomes contentious.
There are also some words which are difficult but not suitable for the IELTS.
Here is my introduction:
It is true that computer can translate languages quickly and accurately nowadays,I still believe that the capacity of handling another language is very helpful.

[[email protected]]

It is sort of weird.heavy vocabularies I have not heard them once even if from native speakers.It did not mention gist of the matter.

It is true that we live in a technological world and computer has brought us many advantages like translating other languages, but I totally disagree with idea that learning other language is a waste of time because applications have not completed yet and also knowing another foreign language is a type of face-to-face interaction.

[Hossein]

It seems overgeneralized and exaggerated

[zt]

Hi Simon,

This introduction is bad because it contains so many heavy words and the view of the writers is complexed in these mixed sentences.

Here is my introduction:

Nowadays, most of the people use computers which has many different beneficial tools for them like translating languages, but I totally disagree that learning a languagange is not comparable with translating from a computers. People could not engage in these languages just by translating from computers.

[Hossein]

In this introduction, a thesis, which should be challengeable, has expressed as an indisputable fact.

[Kiran Shresthaa]

Please comment on this paraphrase sentence to the given topic-
It is claimed that studying a foreign language course is to waste time since computers are able to convert all languages in a speed and accuracy.

[Bikram]

@ Kiran Shresthaa

It is claimed that studying a course of foreign languages is a waste of time, because computers can translate any languages in few seconds and accurately.

[Bikram]

foreign language not languages.

[richa]

Many people will argue that if computer can tranlate any lanugae so why there is a need to learn different languages. I dont agree with this notion , as there are varios reasons learning different languages can help the individual and the society.

It is true that we can use computer to translate any written or verbally spoken lanuguage and it has been widly used in various organization like airports , offices and emmbassy where there is a need to intract with different people who speak different languages. Computers are easy to use and cost effective in terms of training and leaning a foreign lanuguge.

To argue that, various resons why leaning can be more effective is as there are many people who still speak and communicate in their regional language and computers cannot help us to connect to these people. If we go to visit japan and want to learn there local history and culture then speaking and communication with them perosonally can help us learn better rather than translating just the words using computer.

Moreover, leaning the language is not only learning to read or speak but also the culture associated with language. For example, hindi is not just a language but a vast culture behind is associated with it. Converting hello to namaste is same but namaste shows the respect and gratitude that can be only learned by leaning the language.

Adding to it, many languages are extincting becuase people are not investing on leaning them. The govenment and sociery should encourage the foreign lanusges as an subject in curriculam so that this can pass to the future generations.

To conclude, i belive that leaning a foreign language is not a waste of time but it can help the individual and the society as a whole to understand the culture and it should be promoted by everyone.

[Davo]

Diversity in mother tongues is still a barrier for effective communication. Some people argue that translation software can readily resolve the problem of language interpretations and as such learning other languages should be aborted. i am of the opinion that for effective interactions with other nativities, learning other languages must continue.

[valar_morghulis]

1. Abstruse and deviated from key point such as "tongue", "age of computer translation".
2. Irrelevant information contains - "paramount importance throughout all human cultures in the coming years"
3. Wrong voice chosen - "I am opposed" makes no sense.

[Caner]

Excessive and unnecessary paraphrasing.There are many unrelated words such as diametrically,paramount.

[Simon]

FROM SIMON:

For me, the main problem in this introduction is the "memorised template language" that it contains.

It seems that the student is so worried about using "impressive" template phrases that he/she fails to give a clear and simple answer to the question.

Here are the template phrases that I think the student has learnt:

- The discussion about whether or not..... is a contentious one.
(Note: is the issue in this question really so contentious??)
- Although it is undoubtedly true that..... will be of paramount importance throughout all human cultures in the coming years.....
- I am diametrically opposed to the given statement.

The student also uses some "topic language" that I find too exaggerated:

- assimilation
- foreign tongue
- needful

In other words, I would change almost all of the language in this introduction. It's best to keep your introduction short, simple and direct. Just write 2 sentences: introduce the topic, then answer the question.

[Temmie]

Thanks Simon for the review...

[sujit]

Thanks simon

[D]

People have different opinion about the effect of computer aided translation in learning of a new language. Personally, I believe that this technological advancement should never be a reason of not learning a foreign language.

[D]

You can never impress a native speaker with the use of fancy words.

Memorized templates can only harm your writing.
It's like using a limited edition Jordan's while doing a full triathlon.

Cheers

[richa]

Simon can you evaluate the essay posted above

[Minh Do]

It took me 2 minutes and 3 times reading to fully understand the text you posted, even though I just got an IELTS certificate of 8.0... and even though my major is Biology and "assimilation" is a common word to me.

In my opinion, introduction as well as topic sentences of an essay or of a passage should be clear and concise to aid the understanding of readers. No one would be comfortable if only an introduction costs him much time to get the point.

I also attach the introduction for the above task.

"Thanks to computers, foreign languages can be converted into people's first language fast and without being changed in their meanings. Therefore, it is sometimes claimed that trying to be fluent in a second language is useless. I totally disagree with that point of view."

Many thanks.

[N]

What a convoluted piece of writing it is! The main issue is the stance of the author is not clear and concise. Another issue is probably the sentence structure, which appears to be imbalanced. One example is in the first sentence, there is a long prepositional phrase "about...translation" stuck between the subject and its connective verb "is". Within this prepositional phrase, the use of "whether or not" sounds awkward to me too.

In my opinion, this sentence can be fixed like this:
In the age of computer translation, the necessity of the assimilation of a foreign tongue is contentious. Although it is certainly true that computers will play an essential role in helping humans bridge cultural gaps, I believe that learning and mastering a foreign language allows ourselves to communicate with foreigners better.

[Athena]

It is true that latest softwares can within micro seconds, correctly translate one language to another. However, I disagree with the idea that this makes learning a language other than mother tounge redundant.

[soen]

The sentences are too general/vague and trying to use difficult vocabularies?

[soen]

Also, it wrapped up the final sentence saying I don't agree with "the given sentence" I think this can be written more specifically stating one's own opinion.

[Anh Tran]

Dear All,

Could you please help to review and comment my introduction below. Thank you very much. Wish you a happy day!

Minh Anh

Some people think that all languages can be interpreted very fast and the meanings are kept the same by computer nowadays. I do believe that learning a new foreign language is very necessary because it is one of the best way to communicate with and have more friends all over the world.

[Duc Tin]

"Assimilation of the foreign tongue" is not the same as "translation", and the author made another mistake when referring to it as "the given statement"

[Balbakwa]

even If your not good with intro, If you read the sentence it seems not right and confusing. High vocab word were given but looks unsuitable.
He discussed human culture, whereas we are talking about language.

[zain]

all in all this text is totally difficult to pick up even a general idea about what does he means,,, fancy words, poor articulation. the more simple the best

[Alisa]

how about

These days electronic devices are very useful for us when we need to translate among different languages. As a result, many people argue that it is time consuming for us to learn foreign languages I disagree this statement.

who can give me some advice to improve above?

[kiranjeet]

Because sentences are more complex and does not convey proper meaning

[Navi]

Dear Simon
Could you please review my essay

Modern advancements in technology has made possible for computers to translate all languages very quickly and accurately. However it does not mean that indulging in learning a foreign language is complete waste of time.
There is no doubt that computers have brought whole world together and demolished the barriers of languages to let people connect with each other from various aspects of life. The ease of using this transitional technology has made lives of some professionals very easy and effective. For example, with the help of language translation software, a doctor residing in India is now able to diagnose and cure patients far away in remote places on the planet, without being able to speak their language. Another example is of a toy store owner from somewhere in Africa trying to purchase and negotiate from mandarin speaking supplier based in China.
In spite of all these benefits and advantages, I still do not agree with the notion of learning a foreign language is a waste of time. Firstly you cannot always carry a computer everywhere with you. At the same time computers do not translate the body language of the other person, which is considered to be main aspect of the conversation. In fact in my opinion, being fluent in more than one language not only brings versatility to one’s resume, it also opens the door to various limitless opportunities. For example many job roles around the globe in ministry of external affairs and foreign consulates require people to be fluent in different languages. Furthermore, many intelligence agencies paramount requisite to serve is to be fluently multilingual.
In conclusion, there is no doubt that computers have significantly contributed to society in uplifting the barriers of languages. However, learning and be fluent in a foreign language is no waste of time.

[arnoldzhen]

It is true that the state of art computer technology could translate all languages fast and precisely, and some people argue that time shouldn’t be wasted on learning a foreign language, I completely disagree with this assertion.

First, language is a window to a foreign culture more than a tool for communication. During the study, students could understand an overwhelmingly different culture with their own. For example, when I learned English in my high school, teacher taught us the stories behind those festivals as Thanksgiving Day, Christmas eve and etc. In college, teacher even told us the history and founding principle of the United States.

Second, language study might not only be about translation, but also a useful way to improve learner’s memory. Words and collocations are the basis of any language, people have to remember thousands of words before they can understand the articles and conversations. Another improvement by studying a language is new way of thinking. The logic and structure of a foreign language are quite different with mother tongue, learner should get used to a new way of writing and speaking.

In conclusion, although some people claim they will not spend more time on learning language, I still think it is not a waste of time and disagree with them.