IELTS Writing Task 2: example-led paragraph

One way to write a main body paragraph is by starting (or 'leading') with an example. I call this an example-led paragraph.

Here's a paragraph that I wrote in this way. Notice that I bring in the examples in the second sentence, straight after the topic sentence.

Paragraph topic: employers should not care how employees dress

On the one hand, many employers have stopped telling their staff how to dress, and I see this as a positive trend. Some of the most successful companies in the world, including technology giants like Google and Facebook, are famous for the relaxed office environments that they try to create. Employees are encouraged to dress casually, and even the company executives and leaders are rarely seen wearing anything other than T-shirts and jeans. However, while managers and programmers are free to dress how they like, they are expected to produce work of outstanding quality. It is clear from the performance and global dominance of such companies that strict dress codes are completely unnecessary in the technology sector.

Comments

[Daman]

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[Ngoc Ninh]

Wow! Your ideas are amazing Simon! How can i get loads of wonderful ideas like you? Thanks

[Oleg]

I can see that it may be a good idea to get into the supporting examples, as the language tends to be simpler than the abstract reasoning and argumentation in an explanatory thesis. However, I notice that there is a small position statement anyway: "I see this as a positive trend". The real thesis/argument comes in the final sentence. Perhaps this makes it easier to ensure that the argument and logic directly stems from the examples.

[AJ]

Hello!

I have written my essay for the Globalization topic. "Countries are becoming more and more similar because people are able to buy the same products anywhere in the world. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?"

Please help me to check it!
Millions of thanks! <3

It is true that the increasing popularity of identical items available worldwide has been witnessed recently. Although there might be some drawbacks of this trend, I would argue that there are far more benefits.

On the one hand, the widespread of globalization could undermine numerous cultural characteristics. Global capitalism actually means global intermingling ranging from artistic, literary to culinary tradition, leading to the less appreciation of human being for their own traditional aspects. Furthermore, leading a similar trend could easily induce a sense of boredom which probably has negative impacts on people’s workforce productivity. In this case, as consequence, the world may no longer involve diversity and especially each country’s unique cultural traits thus human race might suffer a serious lack of customary values.

On the other hand, the upsurge in the development of international manufacture clearly generates huge benefits. Firstly, the high level of domestic production serving foreign customers acts as a contributing factor to the world economic prosperity. Even with increased industrialization in the developing world, in fact, economic opportunities are often much better than wealthy countries when various multinational corporations are flourishing. Secondly, it is easier than ever for travellers to go abroad and find recognizable products by the brands that they use at home. For example, shops like Adidas, Nike or Converse can be found on the high streets of most major cities and tourists are guaranteed the same quality and standard of products wherever they are.

In conclusion, while globalization may have certain limitations influential to human’s life, I strongly believe that this global phenomenon would change the world for the better on large scales.

[DaNang]

AJ;
1) It is essential not to copy phrases of more than three words from the question, but attempting to change every single word can lead to "over-paraphrasing", where the result sounds odd, or is hard to understand. -> similar products and brands are today being distributed throughout many countries across the globe. ("has been witnessed " is fine but it is hard to find a suitable noun phrase as a subject.)
https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=has+been+witnessed%2Cworldwide+availability%2Cglobal+distribution%2Cworldwide+distribution%2Cidentical+products%2Cacross+the+globe%2C+throughout+many+countries&year_start=1800&year_end=2000&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Chas%20been%20witnessed%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cworldwide%20availability%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cglobal%20distribution%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cworldwide%20distribution%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cidentical%20products%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cacross%20the%20globe%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cthroughout%20many%20countries%3B%2Cc0

2) "drawbacks to this trend" cf "drawbacks to biodiesel" here:
https://www.google.com/search?q=%22drawbacks+to%22&lr=lang_en&tbs=lr:lang_1en&tbm=bks&ei=RRLiWs63Lceg8QWy2q2wDg&start=10&sa=N&biw=1267&bih=957&dpr=1

The second sentence might be seen by an examiner as a memorized formulaic response similar to "the benefits outweigh the drawbacks": it is better to write something more case-specific and germane to the issue in question.

[DaNang]

AJ:
3) "the widespread of globalization":
"widespread" is an adjective: https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/widespread

-> widespread globalization [in general, so no article required]

4) -> global intermingling of traditions, ranging from artistic to literary, and to culinary,

5) -> at the expense of a lowered appreciation for one's own society and culture." [Item 3 here: https://www.google.com/search?q=%22lowered%20appreciation%22&tbm=bks&lr=lang_en]

[DaNang]

AJ:

6) -> following this trend
https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=*_VERB+the++trend&year_start=1800&year_end=2000&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2C%2A_VERB%20the%20trend%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bis_VERB%20the%20trend%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Breverse_VERB%20the%20trend%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bfollow_VERB%20the%20trend%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bshow_VERB%20the%20trend%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bshows_VERB%20the%20trend%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bindicate_VERB%20the%20trend%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bfollowed_VERB%20the%20trend%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bfollowing_VERB%20the%20trend%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bwas_VERB%20the%20trend%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bbeen_VERB%20the%20trend%3B%2Cc0

7) https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=has+negative+impacts+on%2C+has+a+negative+impact+on&year_start=1800&year_end=2000&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Chas%20negative%20impacts%20on%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Chas%20a%20negative%20impact%20on%3B%2Cc0

8) -> we are facing an erosion of diversity, and a loss of indigenous/folk culture and traditions.

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=a+loss+of+diversity%2Cindigenous+culture%2C+erosion+of+diversity&year_start=1800&year_end=2000&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Ca%20loss%20of%20diversity%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cindigenous%20culture%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cerosion%20of%20diversity%3B%2Cc0

9) No examples in paragraph one?

10)international manufacture: -> international manufacturing, global distribution and branding

11) "to the world economic prosperity.": uncountable, so no article. https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/prosperity
-> a high level of ...(generalizing)

12) -> in the developing world, economic opportunities are in fact often much better than in wealthy countries ...

13) -> while globalization may entail some limitations on choice and lifestyle,...

14) -> on a large scale/ to a large extent/ to a large degree.

[DaNang]

AJ:

It is hard to sustain clarity in a series of abstract statements and explanations. A thesis statement is often helpful, but moving on to more concrete examples is one way to "present a well-developed response to the question with relevant, extended and supported ideas".

[AJ]

Dear DaNang,

It's my great honour to receive your feedback and advice! They are pretty useful for me.

I will try to give clear examples in my upcoming essays as you said.

Thanks for your detailed correction above,

Sincerely,
AJ

[Lu Chen]

Hi Simon
I have a question about the ‘PEE' structure in body paragraphs. Is it necessary to make example on each point? sometimes I feel it’s difficult to make examples of some points in such a short time. For example, in this paragraph, I didn’t show any detailed example in a clear way but I think I made full explaination of these two points, is it possible to get high score in this case?

'On the one hand, children can benefit from team sports in terms of the valuable lessons taught and happiness given. Regarding the former, cooperation is a useful element that children can obtain from competing as a team. Particularly, they learn how to get along well with partners and achieve success together in this process. And the trait of being cooperative will positively contribute to their future careers, as job advertisements frequently ask if you are a people person, a team player and so on. What's more, precious friendships built through team sports will undoubtedly lead to a colorful childhood, as children tend to find peers with shared interests in such an activity. '

Lu Chen

[Fruzsi]

@Lu Chen

http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2018/01/ielts-writing-task-2-main-paragraph-methods.html

http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2013/07/ielts-writing-task-2-idea-example-explain.html

[Bahareh Vahedi]

I have problems with writing i gonna take academic exam