IELTS Writing Task 2: from plan to paragraph

Here's my plan for a 5-sentence paragraph about the negatives or dangers of artificial intelligence:

1. Topic sentence: I share concerns about potential harm
2. Idea 1: Short term rise in unemployment as workers are replaced
3. Example: Self-driving vehicles replace driving jobs
4. Idea 2: Medium term effect, humans lose skills and purpose
5. Idea 3: Long term worry, computers take over and make decisions

Here's my 5-sentence paragraph. Notice how I refer to short, medium and long term effects.

I share the concerns of people who believe that artificial intelligence may harm us if we are not careful. In the short term, it is likely that we will see a rise in unemployment as workers in various industries are replaced by machines or software programs. For example, self-driving vehicles are expected to cause redundancies in driving jobs, such as lorry drivers, taxi drivers and bus drivers. In the medium term, if intelligent technologies gradually take jobs away from humans, we may find that people become deskilled and lose their sense of purpose in life. A longer term fear is that computers become so intelligent that they begin to make decisions without human oversight and without regard for our well-being.

Comments

[Lois]

Hi， Simon
Your lessons are being super helpful and clear.
I just want to say thank you to you here.

[Mandeep kaur]

Hello simon how are you ? I am your silent reader student following all your lessons on the blog .i was wondering that u always advice to use less common topic vocabulary in writing and speaking , is there any book which is related to specific topic vocabulary or phrases .please let me know so i can enhance my knoweldge nd get 7+ bands i4n ielts i took ielts exam 3 times before nd always stuck 6 bands each module ,really need your help in this case .I know that you are busy and not reply to every comment but if you help me out i really appreciate it .i must confront that all your advise on this blog is awesome a d students got there desire results .Thank you😊

[mandeep kaur]

I would like to crystal clear that I am unable to pay your e-book

[Mona]

Mandeep kaur:

a) Let us oversimplify a little, and divide vocabulary and phrases into two categories: 'topic' vocabulary and 'general' (non-topic) or portable words and phrases. How can an examiner assess how extensive your vocabulary is? Your English may include 'less common' 'general' phrases and words, but if you display a thorough knowledge of more specialized topic vocabulary, the inference would be that your vocabulary range is far more extensive, not that you were just lucky with the topic at hand.

b) IELTS statistics show that, on average, to score 7.0 in writing, a candidate usually would be scoring 7.5 in reading, or more. It is hard to write at Band 7 level if you cannot already read at above that level. This means that the first step to achieve Band 7 in writing is to do much reading and listening on appropriate topics. In the past people have recommended sites such as

https://www.theguardian.com/world

http://time.com

c) If your current level is Band 6 reading, then in all likelihood, it will take well over a year of concentrated and persistent work to bring Band 7 withing range. There are no short cuts to learning vocabulary. It is not enough simply to have an idea of the meaning: you have to know how, when, and where to use the word, and what are the likely collocations. Being wildly over-optimistic about the time required will simply lead to frustration and bafflement. What is needed is just a simple daily plod forward. Which is where Simon comes in.

[Mona]

Correction: within range

[Simon]

Fantastic advice Mona. I couldn't have said it better myself!

[Mandeep kaur]

Thank you mona for your precious advice .

[Vishaal]

Some people think that the only way to relax is by rest or sleep, while others say they need to do exercise or sport to relax.
Discuss both viewpoints and give your own opinion.

People differ in their views regarding the means of relaxation. While some argue that sleep and rest are the only ways to unwind our brains, I would support those who believe that challenging physical activities are equally important for getting a huge relaxing effect.

It has been argued by some that getting enough sleep or rest is crucial for calming our brains down. They might reckon this because of their personal experiences or they might have read some articles or books stating that sleep or rest is utterly essential for the repair and recovery of the physical and mental elements of humans. They might also have felt a deep sense of rejuvenation after taking off from their personal and professional responsibilities for a short time to recharge their batteries. For example, most of the people usually feel reinvigorated after having a small vacation with their families.

However, I believe that individuals can be immensely relaxed by participating in a few intense physical activities. This is due to the fact that such activities stimulate the release of Endorphins in our body, which produce the feel-good and deep calming effects in individuals and so helping in improving sleep-related issues in the affected people. Recent studies, for instance, have shown that some physical activities like jogging, swimming, cycling, and weight lifting are likely to enhance the REM (rapid eye movement) sleep in individuals by 60%, which mean that people involved in these activities would go into the deeper stage of sleep and feel greater relaxing sensation on their minds.

In conclusion, although rest and sleep are necessary for being stress-free, I think that some high-intensity training or physical activities or sports have a more beneficial effect in a sense of feeling significant relaxation.

[Vishaal]

Good point Mona!

My GT reading score usually fluctuates between 33/40 (6.5 bands) and 37/40 (7.5 bands). How can I assume my writing score from this? I just wrote an essay on ways of relaxation (see above) and suggest me from my writing style, whether or not I reach the band 7 level. Thanks!

[Ameet]

People have different views for the artificial intelligence either has positive or negative influence on their future prospectus. I believe that artificial intelligence would be an outstanding solution for various fields which are still not fully vivid.

Admittedly, artificial intelligence (AI) is the best technology for achieving impossible future targets or goals in various fields including satellite-based data assimilation, exploring underground movement of water, robotic mining and many more complex tasks would be easy for the coming generations. In addition, this technology is the most accurate, precise and has a logical methodology in the medical as well as in the engineering fields when compared with human workability. Consequently, human work would be not cumbersome and have more opportunity for leisure time.

Conversely, that artificial intelligence would not be superior as compared with human intelligence and could not replace our brains after its developments because the invention of AI would not be widely adopted in our daily life. In addition, artificial intelligence can be harmful due to its ill effects on human as less routine efforts of doing work and communication skills with others may create a big risk on people’s health. The technology would have the chance of increasing unemployment in the industries and ultimately would be resulting the lower economic growth.

Finally, from my prospective, AI would have a huge benefit in many fields to facilitate the people life to reduce the human efforts. Such as driverless tractor for agriculture machinery and smart irrigation in very hot regions will play a vital role for increasing the crop yield. Therefore, this technology would be feasible to resolve many complications without any much negative impact in future.

In conclusion, the artificial intelligence has the proven positive impacts to minimise the human exertions and can create the more enjoyable life for adventures if, it would be used only in limited complicated problem-solving fields.

[Mona]

Vishaal
[]
A) I just wrote [Britishers would use present perfect here: Americans past simple. ] an essay on ways of relaxation [-> different ways to relax] (see above) and suggest me [grammar error] from my writing style, whether or not I reach [either (Br) have reached or (Am) reached] the band 7 level. Thanks!

The safe and easy way to use "suggest" is to follow it with "that" and avoid putting in 'me' (the person to whom the suggestion is made) eg: He suggested that I join the club.

-> ... and provide an indication of whether I have ...

[Mona]

Vishaal:

[]
It has been argued by some that getting enough sleep or rest is crucial for calming our brains down.[Repetition: already mentioned in the introduction] They [Who? Poor referencing will drag your score for Coherence and Cohesion down.] might reckon this because of their personal ...

... and mental elements of humans ["humans" is fine if we are comparing our species to aliens, or other primates: otherwise "human beings" is often a better choice.]. They might also have felt a deep sense of rejuvenation after taking off [escaping] from their personal and professional responsibilities for a short time to recharge their batteries. For example, most of the [a generalization so we do not need 'the'] people usually feel reinvigorated after having a small [->short ] vacation with their families.

.... stimulate the release of Endorphins [No capitalization required.] in our body,

... sleep-related issues in the [in general, so no article required] affected people.

.... the deeper stage of sleep and feel greater relaxing sensation on [in] their minds.

.....e a more beneficial effect in [in providing/generating ] a sense of feeling significant relaxation.

Vishaal, you actually need to be consistently over Band 7 in your preparation, and practice under exam conditions: no aids, no talking, no coffee; do the reading and listening tests first, then both writing tasks without a break within 60 minutes. That will take you three hours. Do this, and keep making minor improvements.

[zsófi]

Ameet

British Council advice on Coherence and Cohesion:
Don’t over-use linking words or phrases or use inappropriately – this could become confusing or irritating for the reader. Also don’t always use linking words at the beginning of sentences – show more variety.

1) "Admittedly": used when you are agreeing that something is true although you do not want to (per Cambridge dictionary). This seems to be wrong for the first paragraph as in general you support this view. So just leave it out: the phrase "best technology" suggests your position anyway.

2) "achieving impossible future goals": if they are impossible, one can never achieve them. Goals are always in the future anyway.

3) -> Artificial intelligence (AI) is the best technology for achieving targets or goals in various fields including satellite-based data assimilation, exploring underground movement of water, robotic mining and many more complex tasks which would become easier for the coming generations. It is the most accurate, precise system and has a logical methodology in the medical as well as in the engineering fields when compared with human-based approaches. Consequently, human work would become less cumbersome
demanding and we would have more opportunities for leisure time.

4) "Conversely" is seldom a substitute for "on the other hand. It means that we are talking about the exact opposite process, such as electrical current flowing to, instead of from, the battery.
https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/conversely

5) "Conversely, that artificial intelligence would not be superior as compared with human intelligence and could not replace our brains after its developments because the invention of AI would not be widely adopted in our daily life." [The meaning of the preceding sentence is not clear to me: this would drag your score for Coherence down.]

6) In addition, [already used this ! ]

7) AI can also be harmful due to its ill effects on human beings as less routine efforts of doing work and communication skills with others may create a great risk to people’s health. The technology might well increase unemployment in the industries industry and ultimately would be resulting in the lower economic growth.

8) ->from my perspective

9) -> AI would bring huge benefits in many fields and facilitate the reduction of human labor. For example, a driverless tractor for agricultural machinery.....

10) -> This technology could be used to resolve many difficult issues without any significant downside.

11) -> In conclusion, artificial intelligence has proven positive impacts, which will minimize human toil and drudgery and create a more enjoyable life (even) if it were used only in limited complicated problem-solving fields.

for adventures ?? meaning ?

"Prospectus" is usually a brochure and handbook/guide for those enrolling at university, or for those considering buying shares. Did you mean "prospects"?

"fields which are still not fully vivid." Vivid? Did you mean visible?

Keep working on your vocabulary and collocations !

[Vishaal]

Thanks Mona for the valuable feedback!

Completely agree with you and in fact, I am practicing more in exam condition these days. I am just curious to know about the level of my English in writing!

[Ameet]

Thanks dear Zsofi for your kind evaluation!

Could you award the band score to this this essay?

[zsófi]

Ameet/Vishaal:

Sorry I cannot give you a band score. Looking at some sample examiners' comments below, you will see that is a complex decision, and we only have the public version of the marking schema. Remember that even examiners sometimes have their grading adjusted when the essay is remarked by a chief examiner, so there is no clear and obvious cut-off line between Bandings, but the comments below may give an idea of what is required. The original essays are here:

https://takeielts.britishcouncil.org/sites/default/files/academic-writing-sample-candidate-responses-and-examiner-comments.pdf

https://www.ielts.org/-/media/pdfs/113313_ac_sample_scripts.ashx?la=en

Band 7
The answer is well­-written and contains some good arguments. It does tend to repeat these arguments but the writer’s point of view  remains clear throughout. 
The message is easy to follow and ideas are arranged well with good use of cohesive devices. There are  minor problems with  coherence and at times the expression is clumsy and imprecise. 
There is a wide range of structures that are  well handled with only small problems in the use of vocabulary, mainly in the areas of spelling and word choice

Examiner comment
Band 7.5
The test taker presents a clear position at the outset and explores some ideas to support this. An alternative position is also considered, but rejected. This is a strong response, but there is rather too much emphasis on technology: other aspects of the proposition could also be considered, e.g. less physical work and more sedentary work, greater reliance on cars meaning less exercise, aging populations in some countries leading to more complex health issues. Ideas are organised logically and there is a clear progression throughout the response, with good use of cohesive devices and logical paragraphing. The response could perhaps be improved by breaking down paragraphs 2 and 3. There is a wide range of vocabulary with good use of less common items as well as evidence of higher level features, such as ‘softening’, e.g. ‘They tend to’, ‘This appears to be’, and ‘might disagree’. Errors in spelling and word formation are rare.
There is also a variety of complex structures with frequent error-free sentences, though some errors do occur and there is some overuse of rather short sentence forms.

[Vishaal]

Thanks zsófi!

[Oleg]

Re examiner comments on Band 7.5 essay above:

1) The candidate's essay contains eight sentences of ten words or less. It would be quite easy to join some of these up and increase the average sentence length from fifteen to eighteen words.

2) The second paragraph in the essay contained 183 words, and the third paragraph 131 words. It seems these are too long.

3) The examiner seems to suggest that a wider range of examples would be more appropriate, and presumably this means that the argument is not 'developed' enough, and thus limits the score for task response.

4) To me there is only one glaring grammar error: "This prevents people to go from going outside to exercise", although there are also two instances of "don't" instead of "do not".

5) The examiner mentions "good use of cohesive devices", which must include:
Firstly,
This (x4)
Also (x2)
Yet
However
Moreover
For example/For instance

6) "Celebrities" is mis-spelt.

7) There are at least two noun clauses using a gerund:
"Having a lot of unhealthy food"
"Spending long hours looking at the screen"
There is no use of concession clauses using "although" or similar.

Interesting to see that despite everything this essay achieved Band 7.5 ! It must be largely down to the vocabulary.

[bechir]

hi simon, please correct my essay
Essay topics: For centuries,important parts of education have remained such as, writing and maths, with the advent of computers,somes peoples think that computer skill be made as fourth skill to be added to the list.

Education is the key factor to success us her life. It has used always daily, including work and study. Language and maths essentially part to educate, but, now the technologies which are brings software and hardware to find the smart object grow instantly involved. That's why I and some people believe that computer skills will be the fourth add.

During the centuries, vast kind of subjects has developed to make easy human life. True science, communication wire is the fundamental course of education, has spread throughout the world. What's mean give up illiteracy and become able to interact with each other, while the diversity of races. As a language skill has been used to explain her issues and express their attitudes, perhaps it is a way to solve from the hostility and war, like the cold war between the Soviet Union and America. These first competencies have a huge impact on our daily. In the meantime, these talents do not solve completely problems and do not diffuse information to the whole world. In this state, computer fluency presents the fourth axe to greater survival.
The new skill, which is informatics knowledge, let more connection between else and transmit different messages like a report from conflict either hungry people il the whole word at the same time whatever place and time. Another way this knowledge is vital to getting a higher job position in all the business sectors. Moreover, it has established new business sectors that mean growing trad average and create innovative profession position like a web developer.

To conclude, computer skill should be more practice by people, because this talent has been used all the time that's why is the four key factor in education.

[Jack Miller]

Very good explanation. Definitely there have been some nuances in the english language that are only visible when you write a lot. Once I started writing my blog i realized there are some nuances on the english language that are hard to spot until you sit for long hours a day and write yourself to sleep.

Great piece.