IELTS Writing Task 2: paragraph analysis

Here's a paragraph supporting the opinion that most hobbies are just trends (the full question is here).

On the one hand, it is true that many hobbies are simply passing trends. Children and teenagers, in particular, are attracted to whatever activity is currently popular among their peers. My 10-year-old niece, for example, seems to have a new interest every month, as she joins in with the latest craze that sweeps through her primary school. Over the last year or so, she has been obsessed with Rubik’s cubes, fidget spinners, squidgies and slime. In a similar way, there have been several different fitness trends for adults over recent years, from jogging to yoga to circuit training, and I doubt whether the majority of participants continued to enjoy those activities in the long term.

Let's analyse the paragraph:

• My position is clear, especially from these phrases: it is true that..., I doubt whether...
• Five sentences: 1) topic, 2) illustration using children and teenagers, 3) personal example, 4) personal example continued, 5) comparison with adults, examples and concluding view.
• Examples of passing trends are the key feature in the paragraph: Rubik’s cubes, fidget spinners, squidgies, slime, jogging, yoga, circuit training (7 examples in total). These examples really help to support the view given in the paragraph.
• Plenty of natural, appropriate 'topic' vocabulary: passing trends, attracted to, currently popular, among their peers, joins in with the latest craze, sweeps through her primary school, obsessed with, fitness trends, the majority of participants.
• Good coherence. For example, notice the use of the phrase 'In a similar way', which allows me to move from talking about children to talking about adults. Notice also the relationship between sentences 2, 3 and 4: children... my niece... she.
• Notice how I finish with a reference to the original question: "I doubt whether... in the long term" refers to the idea that "individuals don't really want to do these activities in their spare time".
• Grammar: there's a nice mix of long and short sentences, and I can't see any mistakes!

Comments

[Vishaal]

Great post!

[samsam]

genius

[hakan]

ı like your post

[Pachu]

sir your explanation made us clear but without looking your analysis, it is a bit tricky to understand clearly the whole paragraph.

[he li]

Franky, I cannot write an essay reaching this English level shown in this paragraph above when taking IELTS writing test. Except for these names of interests written in the paragraph which are difficult for me to think of and use, there are also the thinking pattern used to organise the structure of the whole paragraph and part of a sentence like "joins in with " and "swipe through" which I think exceed my current ability to use this language, especially on the occasion of IELTS writing test.

[wendy]

he li

The first sentence lays out what you are trying to prove in this paragraph.
The second sentence restates your mini-thesis for children.
The third and fourth are supporting examples from your own experience.
Then we move on to adults, and provide another example for them.

[Jigna]

My essay on this question:

It is true that leisure activities change over the time due to some trend and fashion reflection, but majority of interests stay as a lifelong choice among people. I partly agree with the belief that people change activities which they enjoy during their free time.

First of all, There are many hobbies affected by trends. Back in the past, board games were very popular because of the movie called Jumanji. Many children and even young people spent their holidays playing that kind of games. Nowadays, in this technological era, kids, young people, and adults choice changed a lot and they choose video games over board games. In addition, people who liked to spend time exercising at the gym moved to yoga classes. There are many types of yoga are in the trend these days. Power yoga, iRest yoga, yoga with meditation, for instance. Yoga became trendy choice after UNESCO declare 21st June as an International Yoga Day. Different yoga style suit all age group. So, some trends influence people’s interests.

On the other hand, many individuals enjoy a plethora of activities that cannot be changed by the trend. Reading, jogging, swimming, cycling, for example. Reading is one of the activities which never replaceable. People who are in love of reading cannot imagine themselves without a book. Not a single factor like age, trend or fashion can affect these interest. Activities like jogging and swimming were some of the most enjoyable activities in the past and people still enjoy spending time doing these activities. There are many pastimes activities leave an intense effect on people’s mind and these are in that list. Moreover, adults who spend time playing or watching sports, such as cricket, football or golf keep their interest in those games for many years. If due to some reason they cannot play sports, they prefer to watch their favorite games only.

In conclusion, many activities which people enjoy during their leisure time stay unchangeable and remain popular against any fashionable trend.

[QinBao]

Dear Simon,
I'm following your website to seek progress.I have tried to organize my ideas before seeing yours. Below are my ideas, could you advise if mine is suitable?(I don't use so many examples, but I just explain further two examples):
It is true that some hobbies are trends as people may just use them to maintain friendship or develop interpersonal relationship. They can share topics with classmates or colleagues in terms of some common sports, such as football and basketball. These are normally played less by people but are popular television programs, especially among men. They prefer to watch the football or basketball matches at home to know the popular football players and club performance. They can normally be more sociable and talkative by following the trend and discussing with friends.

[Linh]

Hello Simon,

Could you please explain why you use past tense in this sentence?
"and I doubt whether the majority of participants continued to enjoy those activities in the long term."
Can I use "would / will continue " instead?

Thank you very much

[he li]

@Linh
Because it is about explaining a trend happening in a past period of time. The writer, in fact,thinks most participants has abandoned to do those activities. it is natural to use "continued" there. "would" can be used in this sentence. but "will" is inappropriate to be used there.

[Thao Truong]

Thank you very much.

[Jigna]

Just realised that I wrote that UNESCO declare Yoga day which is wrong. Actually, Yoga day was declared by the United Nations (UN).

I think I was so much into writing essays so just missed.

[ilkin]

It seems that Simon's writing technique is changing...

[subha]

On the one hand, a lot of us have umpteen choices on selecting activities to stay engaged in free time. Given that the choices are more , these are now shared across the social media as trending. Children's often end up showing interest in activities from the peer group and observe them change very often. My son, for example, was interested in board games but these are now available on mobile phones, hence he now has access to more than one game on the internet. Adults showed interest in music, fitness and reading in the past. But with social interaction on the internet the options are more and we are at the comfort of trying different genre each day.

[cara]

subha

"Umpteen" is informal, and derogatory.
https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/umpteen
https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/umpteen

"A lot of" is also informal.

-> choices when selecting activities to occupy our free time.

-> With more and more choices becoming available ....

-> Children are often swayed by their peer group, and end up changing their choices in line with the latest craze or fashion.

-> ... we have the luxury of trying different genres every day.

[subha]

Thanks! Cara for your valuable feedback.

[subha]

On the other hand, even though we follow new trends and fashion to stay up to date, we still engage and resort to simpler and choices. Book reading is a classic example of past time activity. It is very simple to read a book than to follow trends and implement in our free time. Likewise, other hobbies play a crucial role to relax and enjoy the spare time. While we try to explore and follow new activities our focus remains questionable. Hence, even though we are keen to try trending options, the human mind always resorts to the most comfortable and simple choices.

[Beyonce]

Subha

... we may still engage in and resort to simpler and more classic choices. Book reading is an example of an activity from a less technology-obsessed time. It is simpler to read a book than to follow trends and implement them in our free time. Likewise, other hobbies play a crucial role in relaxing and enjoying the spare time. ... the most comfortable and simplest choices.

[Jubino]

What about the short forms you udually use in your writing? Isn't it informal to use contractions in IELTS ?

[Jigna]

Can anyone give feedback on my essay ? I have posted it on Saturday 19 January. Please

[Jigna]

Sorry again, it is on 17th January.

[Oleg]

Jigna
[]
It is true that leisure activities change over the time due to some trend and fashion reflection[not a good paraphrase], but [the] majority of interests stay as a lifelong choice among people. I partly agree with the belief that people change [the] activities which they enjoy during their free time.[The question is about WHY they change or what motivates them, rather than IF they change at all. So irrelevant to the question. ]

First of all, There [Capitalization issue] are many hobbies affected by trends. Back in the past, board games were very popular because of the movie called Jumanji. Many children and even young people [Aren't children "young people" too?] spent their holidays playing that kind of games.[Singular/plural?] Nowadays, in this technological era, kids [informal], young people, and adults choice changed [tense error] a lot [informal ] and they choose video games over board games [Over-generalizaton? ]. In addition, people who liked to spend time exercising at the gym moved [tense error] to yoga classes [What all of them? I saw some there today. ]. There are many types of yoga are [two finite verbs ! ] in the trend [wrong idiom] these days. Power yoga, iRest yoga, yoga with meditation, for instance.[Not a sentence: no verb.] Yoga became [missing article] trendy choice after UNESCO declare [tense] 21st June as an International Yoga Day. Different yoga style suit [singular/plural?] all age group [singular/plural?]. So, some trends [do in fact] influence people’s interests.

On the other hand, many individuals enjoy a plethora of activities that cannot [not under any circumstances at all? ] be changed by the trend [Which trend?]. Reading, jogging, swimming, cycling, for example.[Not a sentence: no main verb.] Reading is one of the activities which [verb?] never replaceable. People who are in love of [Preposition error.] reading cannot imagine themselves without a book.[I can.] Not a single factor like age, trend or fashion can affect these interest.[Singular/plural.] Activities like jogging and swimming were some of the most enjoyable activities in the past and people still enjoy spending time doing these activities. There are many pastimes activities [Missing relative pronoun] leave [Usually: have] an intense effect on people’s mind [Singular/plural?] and these [Which?] are in [Wrong preposition. ]that list. Moreover, adults who spend time playing or watching sports, such as cricket, football or golf keep their interest in those games for many years. [How do you know this? Over-generalization.] If due to some reason they cannot play sports, they prefer to watch their favorite games only.[I don't. Therefore your argument is flawed.]

In conclusion, many activities which people enjoy during their leisure time stay unchangeable and remain popular against [Wrong preposition] any fashionable trend. There are fashions and trends, but how can a trend be fashionable? Check the meaning.

[Jigna]

Thank you so much Oleg for your valuable feedback. Appreciated.

[subha]

thanks Beyonce!! for your valuable comments.

[subha]

Please comments you views on my essay

Some people believe that it is more important to teach children the literature and history of their own country, rather than the literature and history of other countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

People have contrasting opinions on teaching school children their own local history and art forms or provide exposure to the history and literary works around the world. Personally, I support the view that it is far more important to gain knowledge on indigenous history and great literary works.

There are several reasons why schools should focus on the nations history and written works. First of all, children find it easier if its closely associated in their community. Likewise, parents help children expand their thinking through moral stories and fairy tales that have been passed on by generations. Furthermore, it is convenient to visit the local museums that collect store and portray rich cultural history that takes us back in time. Also not to forget the enriching experience and sense of belonging to associate a historic event and feel patriotic.

On the other hand, knowing the arts forms and chronology of events in the past of another country is not easy for the young minds to comprehend. Additionally, the broader subject is complicated with details and often leaves us confused and this could lead to loosing interest in the subject. The curriculum designers find it challenging to provide a abridged form in a lesson for middle school students as the historical information needs background, details and key information. Thus making the subject not very interesting.

In Conclusion, I believe that the history of our nation and art work entice us more than others.

[zoltan]

Subha

-> on their own nation's history and written works. First of all, children find it easier if they are closely associated with their community. [Perhaps: understand their own cultural identity/roots] Likewise, parents help children expand their thinking through moral stories and fairy tales that have been passed down the generations. Furthermore, it is convenient to visit the local museums that collect [needs comma here] store and portray rich cultural history that takes us back in time. Also not to forget the enriching experience and sense of belonging to associate a historic event and feel patriotic.[Where is the main verb?]

On the other hand, knowing the arts forms and chronology of events in the past of another country is not easy for the young minds to comprehend.[Tautology: knowing/comprehend] Additionally, the broader subject is complicated with details and often leaves us confused and this could lead to loosing []\interest in the subject. The curriculum designers find it challenging to provide a abridged form in a lesson for middle school students as the historical information needs background, details and key information. Thus making the subject not very interesting.[Where is the main verb?]

In Conclusion [Why capitalized?], -> ... I believe the school curriculum should focus more on local, as opposed to overseas, history and literature.

To avoid endlessly paraphrasing the question topic, it might pay to set up two shorthand labels in the introduction:
There are two alternatives for the school curriculum: the local option, where the focus is on the national literature and history; and the foreign option, where the focus is on the literature and history of other countries.

Para 2: The advantages of the local option are...

Para 3: The advantages of the foreign option ...

The conclusion could then simply read: the local option is the better one.

[subha]

Thanks Zoltan. I will correct my mistakes.

[subha]

One more essay :

Some people believe that developments in the field of artificial intelligence will have a positive impact on our lives in the near future. Others, by contrast, are worried that we are not prepared for a world in which computers are more intelligent than humans. Discuss both of these views and give your own opinion.

Some people perceive the developments in artificial intelligence as technological advancement while other see this as threat to their livelihood as this could take away a lot of jobs in the near future. I am of the belief that, despite such developments in the field of Artificial Intelligence there will be some jobs which can never be performed by programmed robots.

Artificial intelligence is helping business do better through its ability to do tasks with greater precision and accuracy. Additionally its not only automated machine but the automated processes in call center or help desk is streamlined with technologies using Artificial intelligence. For instance, the most frequent queries are recorded and analyzed. The pattern of these queries is studied and with the help of chat bots the queries are answered precisely and to the point. This is one of such areas where business benefit by resource allocation , saving cost, and effort on redundant activities. Though companies are unsure of the how they can perform in the long term, they are slowly integrating to get a competitive edge.

Others who do not welcome the growth of Artificial Intelligence are resilient over the technological advancement for several reasons. First the fear of losing jobs in near future. Secondly, the need to become technology savvy. Finally, the ambiguity of total reliance on machines which only sidelined to perform a tasks. Some task can only performed by human such as tutoring, caring for patients where a physical interaction can never be surpassed by artificially intelligent robots.

In conclusion, artificial intelligence can help perform the mundane tasks with accuracy but can never humans in the workplace.

[Minh Quan]

Can you help me to judge my essay, i haven't been learning ielts for 4 years and i dont know whether my writting style is suitable with it anymore.

It is claimed that nowadays, hobbies and interests are stimulated from trending or the majority of what other people are doing rather than starting from an individual’s own passion. I agreed with this statement based on 3 reasons.
The explosion of social media has pushed teenagers into becoming trend followers. When common topics are what occurs to be the ice-breaker for casual talk that is included mostly of news about idols, teenagers are naturally hooked to what they commonly hear and immediately, idols are considered to be the model for them to look after or what they want to achieve in the future. The reasons behinds these trends are because the popularity is spreaded through the news, the talk on social media that create the hope to find similarity or belongingness. As a result, with the expansion of social media, cultures are now inspired between region and region which create a pathway for trends to breed and level up their importance in the life of people.
Moreover, the development in economic which raises the standard of living contributes to people’ interest in clothes and style. If before, people’ mind are shifted to focus only on food and supply to cover their lives during the war for example: in Asia countries such as China, Vietnam…. Now, when their daily needs are fulfilled enough and more, they started to find ways to improve their spiritual life. Following trends is such way people can make others look up to them since trends are what majority of the population prefer.
In conclusion, people these days have the intention occurs in hobbies and interest that is the same as the largest proportion of the people inside the culture that they are living rather than doing things that they prefer themselves.(295 words)

[Egbert]

There will always be some popular leisure activities in a period of time and then disappear when a new trend comes along. I totally agree the assertion that hobbies reflect changing fashions rather than our true interests.

The first reason for that is most of the people like to choose hobbies to make friends rather than real interests to themselves. If you have a special amusement that you can't even find a group in real life, loneliness and half-measures tend to be an ultimate result. Therefore, we may pretend to like a popular hobby for making a group of friends. For instance, even though I cannot put too much passion into watching basketball games, I may attempt to know the scores of the competition to join a conversation of boys in the class.

In addition, popular interests always manifest a universal value and that influence the choice of hobbies. Generally, when we choose a hobby, we will consider our personal image and the attitude of others. Can you remember the reason of learning guitar or piano? You may confess that you don't actually like to play these instruments, but feel others will say it's cool that you can play the guitar. On the other hand, some cultures remain the value that girls are supposed to have some designated interests and people would be angry if you have an inappropriate leisure activity.

In conclusion, I stand the point that these popular habits are more like a reflection of that time rather than a true passion for us.