IELTS General Writing Task 1: 'private teacher' letter

Here's my band 9 sample answer for the task that you can see in this lesson:

Comments

[amin]

Hello Dear Simon,
Can we use direct question in formal letters?
Thanks

[Tiffany]

Dear Simon,

is it work environment or working environment?

[Vishaal]

Some people think that the teenage years are the happiest of our lives, while others believe that adult life brings more happiness.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

People seem to have different views about the most pleasurable time of human life. While some think that childhood is the significantly enjoyable period of people’s lives, I would argue that a greater number of individuals, who have many personal and professional duties, feel true happiness in their adult lives.

It is often argued by some that adolescent time is happier than adult years because they might keep an opinion that most children do not need to carry the burden of multiple family responsibilities on their own shoulders. That is to say, no parents ever expect from their child to earn money to manage household expenses and instead they allow them to enjoy maximally with their peers or siblings. This could further be exemplified by looking at about 90% of Indian families in which juveniles are not expected by their mothers and fathers to do any kind of job for the sake of earning money.

Despite the above arguments, I firmly support an idea that the life of adult individuals is more fulfilling as they could frequently feel a deep sense of satisfaction by providing basic needs, such as food, clothes, and shelter, to their families. Being breadwinner of the family, most fathers or even mothers often get recognition as a respectable member of the family, and as a result, they could feel real happiness in their heart. For example, most fathers have to work hard for raising their child, but I doubt whether they would ever feel frustration for carrying this obligation or putting themselves out of their comfort zones.

In conclusion, although teenage years are happy times of people’s lives, I think they would feel the deepest pleasure by providing living needs to their parents, spouse, and child in the adult years.

[Syd]

Dear Simon,
I found these two paragraphs from your writings.
can I change case (A) to:

1) ........, AND MAKES curriculum design an easier task.

or
2) ........, BY MAKING curriculum design an easier task.

(A) Finally, an emphasis on national literature and history gives educators a narrower teaching scope, making curriculum design an easier task.
***************************
And in for case B, can I rewrite it like this:
.......... , FINDING it inherently fascinating and absorbing.

(B) On the contrary, they are passionate about a game that has existed for hundreds of years, and they find it inherently fascinating and absorbing.

[Syd]

AND IT MAKES curriculum design an easier task.

I forgot IT!

[Simon]

Syd,

"making curriculum design an easier task" really means "which makes..."

"and (it) makes" is correct, but has a slightly different meaning ('and' instead of 'which').

"by making" is also grammatically possible, but this changes the relationship between the two parts of the sentence.

Yes, "finding..." is fine!

[Syd]

Thank you sir, much appreciated!

Yeah, I understood the problem with 'by making'

[Ankita Yadav]

Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to you in reference to the job application of Sara Yadav which has been shortlisted by your company for the position of lead automobile designer. Sara and i work for Fere Automobiles and share the same role in the designing team.
Sara is a meticulous worker when it comes to designing and technical estimation. Additionally, her contribution for accomplishing challenging and crucial tasks is immensely resourceful, this certainly distinguishes her from rest of the team members. Sara's working capabilities and knowledge extends to the experience she has in this particular field. The expertise that she exhibits goes in line to the Masters degree she have achieved from reputed Havard University.
I would recommend Sara for the current position for which she has been shortlisted. The most crucial reason being, the electronic automobile designing which is your organisation's upcoming and highly ambitious project is very much in simulation with the projects that has been handled by Sara. Moreover, she possess the kind of team management skills which is prerequisite for selection of candidate.
I am affirmed that her candidature will be an extremely valuable addition in your team.
Regards
Ankita Yadav

[Arezoo]

Dear simon
Pls write more general writing and explain different types of models
Thanks alot

[Ralph]

It seems the teacher is a female.

[Kirti]

Dear Simon

I believe you have used a semi-formal tone to write this letter, But if one wants to use a formal tone assuming we do not know the teacher. Would it be fine?

Sincerely
Kirti. S

[Mahya]

Dear Simon,
it seems the teacher is female and we should use " Mrs"

[Ejiro]

Oh dear me!

I just realised what a huge mistake I made, writing the request for a daughter when the question said son.

I'll do better to look twice next time.

[Simon]

FROM SIMON:

Some people have noticed my little mistake: I addressed the letter to a male teacher, when the question contained the word 'her'.

It's a silly little mistake, and it wouldn't affect the score. I've left it to show that I make mistakes too!

[Ben]

Dear Mrs. Smith,
I would be grateful if you could help my son to catch up with after-school French lessons.
My son, Tom, missed class entire two weeks due to his treatment for pneumonia in hospital, and he then must struggle with rehabilitation one more week after releasing. With three weeks missing, my son has been encountering some problems of pronunciation as well as verb tense lessons that had taught in class during his absence. As a result, He lacks confidence in presenting French in front of class.
I am extremely delighted to hear from you about the personal experience of helping students who fall behind class. Futhermore, I would like to know your methods to insist my son in coping with his current issues in order to keep pace with the curriculum in his school such as grammar and vocabulary topics.
As for training schedule, is it possible for you to teach my son on weekends when he completely free from school? I frankly propose the time from 9:00 am to 12:00 am.
I hope to hear from you soon, and that you will be able to help
Yours sincerely,
BEN

[Ben]

Dear Mrs. Smith,
I would be grateful if you could help my son to catch up with after-school French lessons.
My son, Tom, missed class entire two weeks due to his treatment for pneumonia in hospital, and he then must struggle with rehabilitation one more week after release. With three weeks missing, my son has been encountering some problems of pronunciation as well as verb tense lessons that had taught in class during his absence. As a result, He lacks confidence in presenting French in front of the class.
I am extremely delighted to hear from you about the personal experience of helping students who fall behind the class. Furthermore, I would like to know your methods to insist on my son coping with his current issues in order to keep pace with the curriculum in his school such as grammar and vocabulary topics.
As for training schedule, is it possible for you to teach my son on weekends when he completely free from school? I frankly propose the time from 9:00 am to 12:00 am.
I hope to hear from you soon, and that you will be able to help
Yours sincerely,
BEN

[Johnson]

"...I was hoping that..."
Anyone call tell me why the past tense is here?

[ALP]

I was wondering the same question. Why we use it as a past tense "...I was hoping that...". Is it supposed to be present tense?

[Simon]

ALP,

I know it seems strange, but this is a common way to ask for something in English. For example:

- I was hoping that you could help me = I hope you can help me.

- I was hoping to get your advice = Can you give me your advice?

Perhaps you could think about it like this: the "hoping" happened in my head before I decided to ask for the help.

Or you could just see this as a fixed phrase, and a typically English way to ask politely and indirectly!