IELTS Writing Task 1: process diagram

Last week I said that we would start looking at a new question, and I don't think we've done a 'process diagram' task for a while.

The task below was sent to me by a student. I wasn't sure whether to use it, because I don't know where it comes from, but let's give it a go.

The diagrams below give information about the manufacture of frozen fish pies.

(Click on the image to enlarge it)

Comments

[Pachu]

This type of task is man made process.Sometimes, doing such a bit difficult process task gives confidence for the exam and learn step language as well as skill of dividing the paragraphs into two.

[Pachu]

Yes sir, yes sir, This type of task is man made process.Sometimes, doing such a bit difficult process task gives confidence for the exam and learn step language as well as skill of dividing the paragraphs into two. Thank you sir

[Trisha]

Morning simon and everyone.I tried to desctibe the production line,if there is any feedback I would much appreciate it.

The production line shows how the fish pie is made by human and machines combined together.

The first step is deliver the potatotes and fresh salmon from other places to the production line.Then the machines will add lemon juice and salt to the fresh salmon and then deliver them to steam oven,which takes about 12 hours or less. At the same time,the potatoes are being cleaned,peeled,sliced,boiled and chilled in a separate production line and then waiting for the prepared salmon. After the salmon come out of steam oven,workers will remove skin and bones from the salmon and throw them to waste disposal box.Then machines will add prepared peans and sauce in the salmon and also put the sliced potatoes at the top of them.The last step is wrap the fish pie with a microwaveable container and freeze them then deliver them to a store or dispatch warehouse.

[Zoe]

Trisha

Your report is missing an overview. the Band 7 requirement is: '(Academic) presents a clear overview of main trends, differences or stages. This means there should be a extra paragraph inserted; something like:
There is one main production line which covers delivery from suppliers, preparation, packaging and storage of the finished product. There is also a supplementary production line relating to potatoes.

[Zoe]

Trisha:

The first step is to have the potatoes and fresh salmon delivered ....

Process descriptions are normally written in the passive:
Then lemon juice and salt are added to the fresh salmon by machines and then put/passed through the steam oven ...

on a separate production line

-> skin and bone are removed by hand....

-> beans and sauce are added....

-> The last step is where the fish pies are wrapped and put in ....

[shokhrukh]

The first diagram shows the ingredients used to make a fish pie. The second diagram illustrates the stages in fish pie production.

A fish pie is made from peas, fish, sauce and
potato. Also, we can see that potatoes and the salmon are processed, separately, before they can be used to make a fish pie.

It takes one month at the most to deliver the potatoes to be processed while the fresh salmon is delivered within 12 hours. First, potatoes are cleaned, peeled with their skins disposed of and then sliced. Next, they are boiled, chilled and kept in the storage ready, waiting to be added to other ingredients to make a fish pie. All the while, fresh salmon is first marinated in lemon juice and salt and then put into steam oven. Next, after the removal of its skin and bones, it goes through an inspection. Prepared peas, sauce and potatoes are then added to it. Finally, the resulting pie is wrapped in packages and passed into freezer before it can be stored or dispatched.

// is the essay above anywhere near band 7?

[gioletta]

shokhrukh

The introduction needs to be more general (in particular, the first diagram does not merely show the ingredients), so perhaps:
The first diagram shows a cross-section of the finished product.

https://www.google.com/search?lr=lang_en&tbs=lr%3Alang_1en&tbm=bks&ei=Xj5NXc-sMa3gz7sPpNOW-AU&q=%22cross-section+of+the+finished+product%22&oq=%22cross-section+of+the+finished+product%22&gs_l=psy-ab.12...5117.9796.0.13099.6.6.0.0.0.0.184.888.0j5.5.0....0...1c.1.64.psy-ab..1.0.0....0.qru2F6wnEWA

One technique is not to mention any detail in the overview, so: The fish pie is made up of five components in a container.. Note there may be more than five ingredients in total as the sauce may contain more than one, and condiments and spices may be added anyway. See Zoe's approach above.

" waiting to be added to other ingredients": sounds like they queue up at a bus stop -> are held ready to be added ...

"All the while" -> concurrently ??

"wrapped in packages" -> wrapped in packaging

In my view, (and of course I am not an examiner) your report would not be far off Band 7.

[Trisha]

Zoe,

Thank you for your feedback,I will add the overview paragraph and rewritten in passive tense.

[Pete Walton]

Hi Simon,

I have also never seen this task before. I googled 'IELTS writing task 1 fish pie' and this is the earliest reference I can find:

http://learn2speakenglishonline.blogspot.com/2012/04/model-answer-ielts-task-1.html

This question was, in turn, taken from 'Cambridge IELTS Trainer' p151

Pete

[Shohjahon]

Hi everyone? please comment on my essay, i really need your opinions, my exam is after 2 weeks
The two diagrams illustrate the stages in the process of fish pie production.
It is clear that a fish pie is made of peas,fish,sauce and potatoes. We can also see that manufacturing process consists of 2 main stages which, in turn, have their sub-stages.
In the first stage of a fish pie production, Potatoes and fresh salmon are brought to a pie factory. It takes nearly a month and a half day to deliver them to the factory. Next,delivered potatoes are taken to a cleaning process,after which they are disposed of their skins. Then, peeled potatoes are cut into flat pieces and then boiled. At the following stage, hot potatoes go through the chilling stage. In the next step, chilled potatoes are transferred to a store and kept there until salmon is processed.
Processing salmon begins with adding lemon juice and salt to it. After that, salmon passes through a steam oven before its skin and bones are removed. In the next stage, salmon free of skin and bones is inspected to ensure that there aren’t any leftovers of bones and skin. The following step involves adding ready peas,sauce and potatoes in the store to the salmon. The fish pie which is now ready is wrapped and then frozen. Finally, the end products can be distributed in boxes to dilers. Before consuming a frozen fish pie they need to be warmed in a microwave.
thank you!

[Shohjahon]

Sorry guys, I meant "Distributor" when i wrote "diler"

[shokhrukh]

gioletta

Thanks for the feedback!

[Oleg]

Shohjahon

The first diagram does not actually illustrate any stages at all. See gioletta's comment above.

[the] "manufacturing process consists of 2 main stages": yes there are two production lines, but many more stages. See Zoe's comment above.

" they are disposed of their skins" -> their skins are removed.

" Before consuming a frozen fish pie they need to be warmed in a microwave": this really goes beyond what is in the diagrams.

[Shohjahon]

Oleg
Thanks for your helpful advice

[Pepe]

Hi everyone. please check out my essay.The two diagrams delineate the overview of a fish pie and method to manufacture it. Overall, the production consists of two parallel processes of getting the potatoes and salmon ready before combine them together.
First, the harvested potatoes are delivered to factory within one month. Then, they are thoroughly cleaned. After that, they have their skin removed and dumped to the waste disposal. Before they are boiled, the peeled potatoes are sliced. Finally, cooked potatoes are chilled and stored before getting involved to the following process.
While the potatoes are being handled, fresh salmon is also being shipped to the factory within 12 hours. Lemon juice and salt are gently dispensed to keep the fish fresh at all times. Then the salmon will be thoroughly steamed by the steam oven. After getting their skin and bone carefully removed by the staff, the steamed salmon will be inspected by inspectors. Next; peas, sauce and slices of potato are added to the pie. Then, the mixture is contained in microwaveable containers as in the first diagram and then neatly wrapped. Then they are conveyed to the freezer. In the end, they will be stored and dispatched to the consumers.

[kata]

Pepe

"delineate the overview": only comes up on Google once, and then only used by non-native speakers. Perhaps you could explain what it means, as I do not understand.
It would be better to use a more natural phrase such as 'diagrams show':
https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=diagrams+*_VERB&year_start=1800&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2Cdiagrams%20%2A_VERB%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bdiagrams%20are_VERB%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiagrams%20show_VERB%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiagrams%20showing_VERB%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiagrams%20is_VERB%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiagrams%20were_VERB%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiagrams%20have_VERB%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiagrams%20will_VERB%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiagrams%20can_VERB%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiagrams%20may_VERB%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiagrams%20illustrating_VERB%3B%2Cc0

-> The diagrams show the cross-section of a fish pie and the method of manufacture.

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=method+of+manufacture%2C+manufacturing+method&year_start=1800&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cmethod%20of%20manufacture%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cmanufacturing%20method%3B%2Cc0

After a preposition we must use a gerund (with -ing): -> before combining.

There is no reporting of the information in the first diagram. As a general rule, in a process diagram, every item or label on the diagram should be mentioned at least once. This does not necessarily apply to charts, graphs and tables, where there is sometimes a surfeit of information and one must select key items or make groupings.

"Before they are boiled, the peeled potatoes are sliced." -> The peeled potatoes are sliced before boiling. (Keep a logical order in your description).

The phrase is "getting involved in": -> "before being added to the main process".

"While the potatoes are being handled," -> At the same time, on the main production line, .... OR: In a concurrent parallel process on the main production line...

"shipped to the factory within 12 hours": the twelve hours is usually referred to as the "lead time". The lead time for salmon is less than twelve hours, and for potatoes, up to one month.

"will be": usually present simple throughout.

"Next; peas": why the semicolon?

" contained in" -> put in

See suggestions for upgrading your overview in the comments earlier in this thread.

[Pepe]

Thank you, kata.

[Simon]

FROM SIMON:

Pete,

Nice to hear from you, and thanks for locating the source of this task. I hope you're well.

[yan]

please give some comments on my paper, my exam is next week. my goal is 7.5 in writing.

The picture of the cross-section of a fish pie shows four ingredients, and the flow chart of the fish pie production line illustrates how the fish pie made through auto-procedure with human assistance.

There are two assembling lines, in which the first completely automatic line is to dispose of potatoes. The harvested potatoes are obligated to be delivered to a factory in one month. For primary treatment, potatoes ought to be cleaned and peeled while the waste is disposed of simultaneously. Then the sliced potatoes are boiled before chilling and storing.

Another production line is to prepare other ingredients that would be added to processed potatoes later. It should cost no more than 12 hours to deal with salmon after it is delivered to a factory. Fresh salmon is prepared by adding lemon juice and salt before putting into a steam oven. Subsequently, the skin and bones of steamed salmon are supposed to be removed by manual work, and the product is inspected artificially. In the ultimate two stages, prepared peas and sauce is added to the qualified salmon before mixing with prepared potato. Eventually, wrapped fish pies are delivered on rolling belt into the freezing zone before storing and dispatching to customers.

To sum up, the diagrams demonstrate the ingredients of a fish pie and the method and procedure of manufacture.

[ashraf]

The diagram shows fish pie and its production line. A fish pie microwaveable container has peas, Fish, Sauce and potato slices on the top. In fish pie production line there are two process converging in to one line. When potatoes are delivered it gets clean peel and sliced at first Leaving peel offs in waste disposal. Before storing potatoes the get boiled and chilled.
In our second procurement line fresh salmon gets dripping of lemon juice and salt. When coming out of steam three labors remove skin and bones and inspect it. Then the container receives prepared peas, sauce and potatoes where it gets wrap and then freeze before storing or dispatch.
The potatoes takes up to one month to be prepared prior adding in the salmon container which takes around 12 hours.

[Phuong]

Hi everyone! This is my first attempt to write a task 1 process diagram. I really hope you guys can help me fix my writing mistakes (especially grammar). I try to reach 7.0 (and my exam is the end of this week). Thank you!:3
The first diagrams shows a cross-section of the finished product. The second diagrams depicts the production chain in making fish pie which combined both labour and machine. There is one main production line that contains supplies delivery, preparation, packaging and dispatch of the finished product. There is a supplementary production line includes preparation of potatoes.
The first step in this process is deliver potatoes and salmons to the factory. It can takes up to one month to deliver equivalent amount of potatoes and 12 hours for salmons. The salmons are seasoned with lemon juice and salt. Next, the salmons are passed through the steam oven before have it skins and bones removed by hands. Meanwhile, the potatoes went in a cleaning process which include cleaning, peeling and slicing. All the unwanted remains are disposed in the waste disposal. Then, the inspector will check the quality of the salmons. In the mean time, the potatoes are boiled, chilled for the next step. The next stage is to assemble all the ingredients which include the prepared salmons, peas, sauce, and potatoes. They are transferred to a wrapping machine. The wrapped packages are froze before coming to the final stage. Finally, the final product is either stored or dispatched.

[Phuong]

I just realized I typed ‘diagrams’. It’s ‘diagram’. My bad:’)