IELTS Advice: method or language (part 2)

Here's my answer to the task in yesterday's lesson: the method was fine, but the language can be improved.

The method is fine:
The student wrote the introduction in the way that I recommend: the first sentence introduces the topic, and the second sentence answers the question.

But there are some language problems (underlined below):
There are different views regarding on question that should children be punished to learn the discrepancy between wrong and right. From my perspective, some sorts of punishments as well as rewards are necessary to teach children, however, parents and teachers should apply soft and simple forms of punishment.

Here's my improved version:
People have different views with regard to the question of whether children should be punished in order to teach them the difference between right and wrong. In my opinion, simple or 'soft' punishments are a necessary tool for parents and teachers as they raise and educate children.

Note:
Sometimes people make 'mistakes' in their choice of vocabulary. For example, in English we say "the difference between right and wrong", not "the discrepancy between wrong and right". This is not a grammar mistake, it's a collocation mistake.

Comments

[Yves]

Some IELTS learners (including myself) find it difficult to learn "collocations" as there is no particular list for such, only constant exposure and practice of the English language.

[cara]

Hi Yves

http://ozdic.com/collocation-dictionary/exposure

"ozdic.com" is useful for practice but of course not available in the exam.

There is also:
https://epdf.pub/english-collocations-in-use-advanced.html

So collocation lists are in fact readily available, although to me it seems better just to read something interesting, enjoy the process, and keep the motivation going. Cheers

[ubumuan]

Can you tell us when to use the word "discrepancy" ?

[Khe]

ubumuan

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=discrepancy+between+the+*+%2Cdiscrepancy+in+the+*&year_start=1800&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2Cdiscrepancy%20between%20the%20%2A%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20between%20the%20two%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20between%20the%20results%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20between%20the%20actual%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20between%20the%20number%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20between%20the%20observed%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20between%20the%20amount%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20between%20the%20ideal%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20between%20the%20theoretical%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20between%20the%20calculated%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20between%20the%20real%3B%2Cc0%3B.t2%3B%2Cdiscrepancy%20in%20the%20%2A%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20in%20the%20results%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20in%20the%20accounts%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20in%20the%20two%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20in%20the%20statements%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20in%20the%20number%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20in%20the%20figures%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20in%20the%20dates%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20in%20the%20evidence%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20in%20the%20case%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20in%20the%20date%3B%2Cc0#t2%3B%2Cdiscrepancy%20between%20the%20*%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20between%20the%20two%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20between%20the%20results%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20between%20the%20actual%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20between%20the%20number%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20between%20the%20observed%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20between%20the%20amount%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20between%20the%20ideal%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20between%20the%20theoretical%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20between%20the%20calculated%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20between%20the%20real%3B%2Cc0%3B.t2%3B%2Cdiscrepancy%20in%20the%20*%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20in%20the%20results%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20in%20the%20accounts%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20in%20the%20two%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20in%20the%20statements%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20in%20the%20number%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20in%20the%20figures%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20in%20the%20dates%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20in%20the%20evidence%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20in%20the%20case%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrepancy%20in%20the%20date%3B%2Cc0

https://www.google.com/search?q=%22discrepancy%20between%20the%20two%22&tbm=bks&lr=lang_en

http://ozdic.com/collocation-dictionary/discrepancy

https://www.google.com/search?lr=lang_en&tbs=lr%3Alang_1en&tbm=bks&ei=m9OcXca6J5bHrQGSnpXgCg&q=%22there+seems+to+be+a+discrepancy+between+the+two%22&oq=%22there+seems+to+be+a+discrepancy+between+the+two%22&gs_l=psy-ab.3...83714.90198.0.91002.24.22.2.0.0.0.362.3634.0j10j4j3.17.0....0...1c.1.64.psy-ab..11.3.569...33i10k1.0.4XJ5x_z-xnY

[muskan]

Hi everyone, I have written my first essay while practicing for IELTS. Please give me feedback and some suggestions.

Question:

In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations.

Answer:

With the advancement of medical science , the mean life expectancy has improved remarkably in the developed countries. Although, this will pose some problems, measures can be taken to deal with them as we will see.

As a consequence of better health facilities, people are living longer than ever ,and this has resulted in some issues that need consideration. Firstly, the increase in number of aged members of society means more people are availing pension alongwith higher expense on geriatric care , which increases financial burden on the government. The young members , in turn, have to pay more taxes to maintain the balance between revenue generated and expenses. Secondly, there is lesser workforce available to the country , because it has a major part of population that is retired and no longer working. This makes it difficult for the nation to develop its economy. Finally, the youth finds it challenging to take care of more aged relatives and earning at the same time to support their families.

In order to address these issues, the authorities can take several steps as described below. The retirement age could be increased from 65 to 70 in less physically and mentally demanding occupations. These days, senior citizens are in good enough health to perform most of the duties competently. A second measure would be that the governments can make laws to simplify immigration procedures, which would increase the size of working age group as well as the number of tax payers. Furthermore, government funds could be redistributed to spend on health, accomodation and transportation for the elderly.

In conclusion, a large aging population poses potential problems which can be successfully handled by making some policy amendments by the governments of the concerned nations.