IELTS Advice: method or language?

I often tell students that there are two things that we need to work on: 1) method i.e. exam techniques 2) improving your English language knowledge.

Let's look at an essay introduction (writing task 2) that a student wrote. The topic is: should children be punished?

There are different views regarding on question that should children be punished to learn the discrepancy between wrong and right. From my perspective, some sorts of punishments as well as rewards are necessary to teach children, however, parents and teachers should apply soft and simple forms of punishment.

Task:
Read the introduction above. What should this student work on: method or language? In other words, is there a problem with the way that the introduction is written, or with the language that it contains? I'll tell you what I think in tomorrow's lesson.

Comments

[TURANA]

I think with the way everything is ok,however he made some grammatical mistakes such as;regarding on,right and wrong without the article 'the'.

[zara]

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=right+and+wrong%2C+wrong+and+right&case_insensitive=on&year_start=1800&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t4%3B%2Cright%20and%20wrong%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bright%20and%20wrong%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BRight%20and%20Wrong%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BRight%20and%20wrong%3B%2Cc0%3B.t4%3B%2Cwrong%20and%20right%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bwrong%20and%20right%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BWrong%20and%20Right%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BWrong%20and%20right%3B%2Cc0

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=regarding+on%2C+regarding+the+question&case_insensitive=on&year_start=1800&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t4%3B%2Cregarding%20on%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bregarding%20on%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BRegarding%20on%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bregarding%20On%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BRegarding%20On%3B%2Cc0%3B.t4%3B%2Cregarding%20the%20question%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bregarding%20the%20question%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BRegarding%20the%20question%3B%2Cc0#t4%3B%2Cregarding%20on%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bregarding%20on%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BRegarding%20on%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bregarding%20On%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BRegarding%20On%3B%2Cc0%3B.t4%3B%2Cregarding%20the%20question%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bregarding%20the%20question%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BRegarding%20the%20question%3B%2Cc0

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=*+between+right+and+wrong&case_insensitive=on&year_start=1800&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2C%2A%20between%20right%20and%20wrong%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bdifference%20between%20right%20and%20wrong%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdistinction%20between%20right%20and%20wrong%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdistinguish%20between%20right%20and%20wrong%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdistinctions%20between%20right%20and%20wrong%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdistinguishing%20between%20right%20and%20wrong%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscriminate%20between%20right%20and%20wrong%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bchoose%20between%20right%20and%20wrong%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bline%20between%20right%20and%20wrong%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bchoice%20between%20right%20and%20wrong%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdiscrimination%20between%20right%20and%20wrong%3B%2Cc0

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=*+forms+of+punishment%2C+soft+forms+of+punishment&year_start=1800&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2C%2A%20forms%20of%20punishment%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bother%20forms%20of%20punishment%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bthe%20forms%20of%20punishment%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bvarious%20forms%20of%20punishment%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ball%20forms%20of%20punishment%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bsevere%20forms%20of%20punishment%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdifferent%20forms%20of%20punishment%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bmilder%20forms%20of%20punishment%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bcommon%20forms%20of%20punishment%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Btwo%20forms%20of%20punishment%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bcruel%20forms%20of%20punishment%3B%2Cc0

[Gh]

Problems with English language knowledge that most students have

[HAK]

The writing seems "forced and unnatural" even though the English language is okay, the student tried to be difficult in writing. In my opinion the candidate should focus on a METHOD in order to achieve native and natural look in writing.

[zara]

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=some+kinds+of%2C+some+sorts+of%2C+some+types+of&year_start=1800&year_end=2000&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Csome%20kinds%20of%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Csome%20sorts%20of%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Csome%20types%20of%3B%2Cc0

[zara]

"From my perspective":
'It's valid [phrase] but overused and often misused. It's commonly used as a weasel word when the opinion stated doesn't actually relate to their perspective at all, but is simply their opinion. The same is true of "in my view".

If though you actually do have a genuinely different perspective rather than merely a different opinion, then it's perfectly fine.'

https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/166966/is-there-anything-wrong-with-from-my-perspective

[zara]

https://www.google.com/search?lr=lang_en&tbs=lr%3Alang_1en&tbm=bks&ei=sCGZXZnELYLSz7sP_qKYoAo&q=%22the+question+as+to+whether+children+should%22&oq=%22the+question+as+to+whether+children+should%22&gs_l=psy-ab.3...4866.8416.0.8735.10.10.0.0.0.0.274.1289.0j6j1.7.0....0...1c.1.64.psy-ab..4.0.0....0.gSMgCMqS2IE

[Wind]

Thank you Zara. Your comments are very helpful. Hope to see more from you.