IELTS Writing Task 1: too much information!

When the graph or chart contains a lot of information, you won't be able to include every number. Here's an example of how you might deal with this problem.

Task: My aim is to write a paragraph about the information highlighted in yellow. I want to write three sentences only!

Average distance in miles travelled per person per year, by mode of travel

Here's my three-sentence paragraph about the 'yellow' data:

In 1985, the average person travelled 3,199 miles by car, and this rose to 4,806 miles in the year 2000. The figures for miles travelled by train, long distance bus, taxi and other modes also increased from 1985 to 2000. Travel by taxi saw the most significant change, with more than a threefold increase from 13 miles per person per year in 1985 to 42 miles in 2000.

Analysis questions:

1. Did I mention every mode of travel highlighted in yellow?
2. How many numbers did I mention specifically?
3. Which modes of travel did I choose to focus on, and why?

Comments

[HK]

1. Yes, this article coverd every mode highlighted in yellow.
2. two modes; car and taxi
3. It's a taxi travel. This mode is the most increase of all modes.

[shokhrukh]

God you make it look easy

[shokhrukh]

Here are my (hopefully correct) answers
1. Yes
2. The figures for car and taxi or 4 numbers
3. Car and taxi; because these are the two modes of travel that stand out most in one way or another, that show a certain trend in their usage that a reader might find particularly interesting.

The figures for other modes of travel are kind of 'boring', without any dramatic changes or interesting features that, for the purposes of short, IELTS-style report, might as well be skipped which is why you kinda wrapped them all up in one compact sentence.

[shokhrukh]

Here's my attempt at writing a paragraph about the green data

Travelling on foot or by local bus was very common in both years. In 1985, local bus and walking accounted for 429 and 255 miles travelled respectively, whereas mere 51 miles were travelled using a bicycle. By the year 2000, the figure for miles travelled using local bus almost halved to 274 miles. By contrast, modes of travel such as walking and cycling did not experience any significant changes: an average person in England travelled, on foot or by bicycle, only under 20 miles less in 2000 than they did in 1985.

[shokhrukh]

Extremely useful and practical way of dealing with 'too much information' problem. Thanks.

[gioletta]

shokhrukh

https://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&ei=bbSfXcGWJaraz7sP--yJgAY&q=%22on+foot+and+by+local+bus%22&oq=%22on+foot+and+by+local+bus%22&gs_l=psy-ab.3...167342.181386.0.181959.29.26.3.0.0.0.166.3740.0j24.24.0....0...1c.1.64.psy-ab..2.0.0....0.ntw6md4WsGA

Travelling on foot or by local bus was very common in both years, accounting, in 1985, for (a total of) 429 and 255 miles respectively, whereas a mere 51 miles were travelled by bicycle. By the year 2000, the figure for miles travelled using local buses had almost halved to 274 miles. By contrast, modes of travel such as walking and cycling did not show any significant changes: an average person in England travelled, on foot or by bicycle, just under 20 miles less in 2000 than they did in 1985.

"modes of travel .... experience": "modes of travel" are not people! This type of anthropomorphic word choice is frowned upon in academic writing.

If the time phrase in the sentence is "by" + date/time/month/day, watch out, a past perfect may be necessary.

Just my thoughts.

[Wind]

1. Yes, you referred to all the transport underlined in yellow.
2. You mentioned 4 figures totally, including 2 numbers for miles travelled by car and the other 2 for miles travelled by taxi
3. You centred on travel by car and taxi. This is because the figure for miles travelled by car was the largest, while travel by taxi saw the most dramatic increase.

[shokhrukh]

gioletta

i used the word 'experience' as an alternative to 'see' or 'undergo'.
- Travel by taxi SAW the most significant change.
- Cinema in Britain is UNDERGOING a revival of popularity.
- Schools nationwide are EXPERIENCING a shortage of teachers.

but i'm not quite sure if my word choice is correct.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.

[gioletta]

shokhrukh

https://writingcenter.ashford.edu/anthropomorphism

Outside strict academic writing, this type of anthropomorphism seems of course widely acceptable.

[shokhrukh]

(a) Incorrect: The article from Lassitter and Jones discussed how coffee wakes you up in the morning.

(b) Correct: Lassitter and Jones discussed how coffee wakes you up in the morning.

English language is a human creation and i think having a mathematical attitude towards English is just wrong. I mean, unlike mathematics, it's not a fixed thing, universally consistent. It's constantly undergoing changes. For example, the word 'discuss', which has the only meaning 'to talk about a subject with someone', could have another, second meaning '(of a piece of writing) featuring a discussion about a subject' added to the first, which would make (a) completely acceptable and correct. i think if more and more people keep writing (a), oxford dictionary will probably add that second meaning to the word. Human language is very flexible. So the best advice, i think, would be to try to keep yourself up to date with the current trend in academic, written English and try to stay away from rules, or whatever, that say this and that.

(just entertaining some ideas)

[shokhrukh]

i think one of the things that this blog (or Simon's writing) does is keep you informed about the current state of academic, written English.

[gioletta]

shokhrukh

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=The+article+discusses%2CThe+article+discussed%2CThe+chapter+discusses%2CThe+section+discusses%2CThe+paper+discusses%2CThe+book+discusses%2CThe+author+discusses%2CThe+report+discusses&case_insensitive=on&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t4%3B%2CThe%20article%20discusses%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3BThe%20article%20discusses%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bthe%20article%20discusses%3B%2Cc0%3B.t4%3B%2CThe%20article%20discussed%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3BThe%20article%20discussed%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bthe%20article%20discussed%3B%2Cc0%3B.t4%3B%2CThe%20chapter%20discusses%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bthe%20chapter%20discusses%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BThe%20chapter%20discusses%3B%2Cc0%3B.t4%3B%2CThe%20section%20discusses%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bthe%20section%20discusses%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BThe%20section%20discusses%3B%2Cc0%3B.t4%3B%2CThe%20paper%20discusses%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3BThe%20paper%20discusses%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bthe%20paper%20discusses%3B%2Cc0%3B.t4%3B%2CThe%20book%20discusses%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bthe%20book%20discusses%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BThe%20book%20discusses%3B%2Cc0%3B.t4%3B%2CThe%20author%20discusses%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3BThe%20author%20discusses%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bthe%20author%20discusses%3B%2Cc0%3B.t4%3B%2CThe%20report%20discusses%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3BThe%20report%20discusses%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bthe%20report%20discusses%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BThe%20Report%20discusses%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bthe%20Report%20discusses%3B%2Cc0

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=+patients+underwent%2Cpatient+underwent%2Csystem+undergoes%2C+patient+undergoes%2Cbody+undergoes%2Ccell+undergoes%2Cmaterial+undergoes%2Csociety+undergoes%2Cindustry+undergoes%2Ceconomy+undergoes%2Cpolicy+underwent%2Cperson+undergoes&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cpatients%20underwent%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cpatient%20underwent%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Csystem%20undergoes%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cpatient%20undergoes%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cbody%20undergoes%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Ccell%20undergoes%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cmaterial%20undergoes%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Csociety%20undergoes%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cindustry%20undergoes%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Ceconomy%20undergoes%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cpolicy%20underwent%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cperson%20undergoes%3B%2Cc0

[Enaay]

1. Yes
2. Four
3. You chose those modes of travel that depict a positive change. Focusing on positives shows your strength.

[Huong]

# shokhrukh and gioletta

I follow Simon's sentence in his latest WT1:
" th textile industry SAW the most significant growth in earnings".

https://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/ielts-writing-task-1/

[Huong]

# gioletta
I like your rewriting shokhrukh's paragraph. It is much clearer and natural.