The essay that I shared last Wednesday was good, but it wasn't perfect. The problem was that I didn't follow my own advice: I wrote the main body paragraphs without doing a plan first.
Look at the 'unplanned' paragraph below:
The negative implications of genetic engineering are often discussed in terms of two key areas, which are food production and the cloning of humans. Genetically modified crops are already being grown, and people are concerned that they may damage whole ecosystems as foods become resistant to diseases and natural predators. But perhaps even more worrying is the possibility that humans could be modified or cloned. Some people imagine a world in which cloned humans are used to fight wars or to provide body part replacements. Although perhaps not a threat to life on earth, the implications of such practices would be unprecedented.
Analysis:
- The first highlighted sentence doesn't extend my ideas. It would be better to go straight to the point about cloned humans fighting wars. I could then add more 'depth' and 'detail' to that particular idea, and this would help my task response score.
- The second highlighted sentence is fine as a 'concluding' sentence, but it would be better if I explained what the "implications" are. Reading this sentence now, I can tell that I wrote it without planning; I relied on my vocabulary knowledge to cover up my lack of real ideas!
This is what happens when you neglect the planning stage. It's so easy to write sentences that fill a space but don't move the essay forward.
Task: Let's improve this paragraph by refining the two highlighted sentences.
*Besides, even more worrying thing is the genetic engineering can also be implicated on human beings, such as genetic modified or cloned soldiers, for those can be manipulated by certain governments or terrorisms to fight wars, ending up to massive slaughter. Therefore, the unpredictable and ruinous of such implication practice on the whole ecosystem and humankind can have catastrophic effects.
Posted by: thatwouldbenice | November 13, 2019 at 11:49
The negative implications of genetic engineering are often discussed in terms of two key areas, which are food production and the cloning of humans. Genetically modified crops are already being grown, and people are concerned that they may damage whole ecosystems as foods become resistant to diseases and natural predators. Moreover, some people imagine a world in which cloned humans are used to fight wars or to provide body part replacements. For instance, although such a scenario seems hypothetical to me at the moment, seeds of it have already been sown in people’s minds through many Hollywood movies. Despite showing no threat to lives on earth as it is still under research, the future negative consequences of such a situation would be unprecedented.
The last sentence seems additional to me. It can be removed, but I mentioned to know whether the explanation I included is enough or not.
Posted by: Vishaal | November 14, 2019 at 04:53
Genetically modified crops are already being grown, and people are concerned that they may damage whole ecosystems as foods become resistant to diseases and natural predators
How is this a negative implication?
If foods/crops are resistant against diseases isn't that a positive thing?
Posted by: Syfa | November 14, 2019 at 06:41
Dear Simon:
You said that your essay wasn't perpect, but you gave it a band 9 score. Normally, I think in order to get a band 9 score, an essay must be perfect. Could you please explain?
Thank you
Posted by: Tuan Bui | November 14, 2019 at 07:15
Syfa
(this is how i understand it)
there's this thing called food chain, which means that animals or living organisms depend on one another for food (or feed off of each other). If one of them goes extinct, the entire chain might collapse. In this case, foods (grass and trees which form the base of the food chain) that are resistant to natural predators means that the natural predators are deprived of food, potentially disrupting the whole ecosystem.
Posted by: shokhrukh | November 14, 2019 at 10:11
#domino effect #chain reaction
Posted by: shokhrukh | November 14, 2019 at 10:29
Tuan Bui
(here's what i think)
i think Simon's essay scores very high in spite of "inadequately extended ideas", not because of it, and that there's room for improvement.
And that an essay gets a high score not because it is "perfect", but because it's neatly written and reflects a high level of English of the person who wrote it. So that's how you need to approach IELTS; forget about perfection and try to focus on how best you can demonstrate your level of English.
And that you need to do a plan first, before starting on the actual essay.
Anyways,
Good luck;)
Posted by: shokhrukh | November 14, 2019 at 11:14
shokhrukh
Hey i looked into it. But before that, what my issue here is that if i have to look it online it means, it was not well explained by the essay.
Explanation: Like Bacteria becomes resistant to antibiotics, Predators would also become resistant to herbicides through pollination and transfer of genes from GM crops.
Posted by: Syfa | November 14, 2019 at 12:20
Dear Simon
where we can see the modified paragraph written after planning? or we have to pay to see that? thanks
Posted by: Anna | November 14, 2019 at 18:02
Next Wednesday Anne!
Posted by: Simon | November 14, 2019 at 20:07
Sorry, Anna!
Posted by: Simon | November 14, 2019 at 20:08
I suggest the first sentence can be modified as a kind of conditional sentence to extend the idea before.
In terms of the 2nd one, it can paraphrase the opinion sentence.
Posted by: Snowden Fu | November 17, 2019 at 10:14
The negative implications of genetic engineering are often discussed in terms of two key areas, which are food production and the cloning of humans. Genetically modified crops are already being grown, and people are concerned that they may damage whole ecosystems as foods become resistant to diseases and natural predators. On the other hand, it is not so called at the moment but maybe a future phenomenon, as cloned humans are used to fight war or to provide body part replacements. Cloned army shall be sent to severe battle fields where no one is willing to join, and cloned body parts shall be stored in hospitals for the sake of replacement surgeries, which increasingly appears in a range of Hollywood blockbusters. Although not a threat to life on earth, the implications of such practices would be unprecedented.
Posted by: gingin | November 18, 2019 at 04:46
Dear Mr. Simon,
I am writing to request casual leaves for two weeks due to my sister’s marriage.
As I informed you earlier, my sister Neha is going to marry a doctor next week. This is one of the biggest family occasions of mine, and as an elder brother I cannot miss out on this once in a lifetime event of my sister. The celebration is for five days and will begin this coming Thursday.
I request time off for at least 15 days as the wedding ceremony will happen in Udaipur, which is about 500 miles away from my hometown. So, I have to go to this place about 3 to 4 days before the event for all the arrangements and decoration of the venue. I would like to spend 2 to 3 days for sightseeing in Udaipur post-ceremony.
About my ongoing work, I have already explained my current tasks to Sam, and I believe he can efficiently handle all my tasks. On top of that, I will connect with him through Zoom whenever he needs my inputs on any urgent matter.
Requesting to approve my leaves as soon as possible.
Yours sincerely,
James Bond
Posted by: Vishaal | November 19, 2019 at 12:11
Question
You work for an international company. You are celebrating for special family event and would like to have time off for it. Write a letter to your boss.
- explain what celebration is
- ask how long you want to take time off
- say how your work could be done while you are away
Posted by: Vishaal | November 19, 2019 at 12:13